


Mallstuck

by icespyders



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Fluff, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Shenanigans, Shopping Malls, Slow Build, apparently 'shopping malls' is a legit ao3 tag. cool, so many cheesy romcom tropes because i'm a sucker for a good romcom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 06:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1847593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icespyders/pseuds/icespyders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider's pretty content with his boring minimum-wage life working at the comically godawful SkaiaMall, but everything goes haywire when he falls hard for a cute prank shop cashier named John. Unfortunately, it's nigh-impossible to keep a secret crush on the down-low when everybody in the goddamn place runs their own personal rumor mill. And it's even more difficult to play it cool when you're swooning too hard to think straight.</p><p>Goddammit, this is some straight-up romcom bullshit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Swept Off My Feet

“Dave, I’m leaving now. Would you mind closing up?”

“So soon?” Dave Strider asked, leaning on his broom and grinning. “Cutting it pretty close to ditch out on me, there’s only another hour til the mall closes. What’s the big rush?”

His boss Kanaya snapped her purse shut with an air of finality, but couldn’t hide the blush creeping up on her cheeks. “I…have other obligations to--”

Dave laughed. “You can tell me you’ve got a hot date. I know.”

“How do you--?”

“Please, Kanaya. I couldn’t get my cousin to shut her trap if I tried,” he replied. “Rose literally doesn’t ever stop talking about you.”

The blush was more defined now but Kanaya’s nerves had ebbed. “Really?” she asked, trying to act as if she wasn’t deeply flattered. “Well, that’s nice of her.”

“Don’t stay out too late, you crazy kids,” Dave joked.

“What, like you never stay out for wild romantic endeavors?” Kanaya asked.

“Nah, I got too much else to do. Too much hair to cut, too many floors to sweep. Some of us just don’t have time for sloppy makeouts.”

Kanaya rolled her eyes at that. “You really have no respect for authority. I should have fired you ages ago.”

“But I’m just so good at sweeping. Can’t lose my valuable talents. I’m an asset to the team, Kanaya.”

The two of them worked at the pathetically lame hair salon at the somehow even more pathetically lame SkaiaMall, which wouldn’t have customers if it wasn’t the only mall for miles. Kanaya did more of the admin shit that Dave had no mind for; he was more into the actual hair-cutting. Years of practice with his turntables gave him steady hands. The other stylist, Feferi Peixes, was better, but only because she had more experience cutting her own wild hair. And of course Dave was the number-one sweeper in the joint. No one contested his skills there.

“You’re more ass than asset, Dave,” Kanaya teased.

Dave sighed melodramatically and slumped over the broom even more. “Aw, all this time I thought my ass _was_ my asset.”

“Good night, Dave,” Kanaya said, breezing out of the store with her usual flair. But she was laughing all the same. She was cool, even if she did have it bad for Dave’s annoying cousin who worked at the dusty old bookshop next door. But questionable taste in women was hardly reason to hold a grudge against someone.

Dave was anticipating one last quiet hour on shift. People didn’t tend to linger around this hellhole of a shopping center because of how tacky it was, with the outdated tiles and flickering fluorescent lights and the general old-building feeling. And people especially didn’t tend to frantically fling themselves into the salon at the last second, desperate for their locks to be graced by Dave’s or Fef’s world-renowned shears. Even at the height of the day things were pretty…well, pretty fucking boring. He kept sweeping and frowned. “Pretty fucking boring” could encapsulate a lot of his life, if he was honest. Sure, keeping up with all the clowns working in this dumbass mall was amusing in its own right, what with Karkat screaming at customers at the GameStop and Jade struggling to manage the dysfunctional pet store and Rose constantly detailing her latest eldritch horror hentai fanfic to piss him off, with Feferi loudly complaining about how that douche at American Apparel wouldn’t stop awkwardly hitting on her and the weird sweaty security guard zooming around on his segway to bust people for littering and the billion other stupid things they all got up to. But Dave was always just an observer. Nothing ever seemed to _happen_ to him.

Kanaya had asked him why he never went out. What was the phrase she’d used? Oh yeah, “wild romantic endeavors.” That was pretty much a wasteland. No one ever kept his attention and he always kept his distance behind his enormous dark shades. Kanaya had found someone worth ditching work for, apparently, and he didn’t resent her in the slightest. But admittedly, he was kind of jealous; jealous of that intensity of feeling. Jealous that someone could enhance her life to the degree that she’d throw her responsibilities out the window. Jealous that someone was making her life exciting. Jealous that she wasn’t stuck in the same old routine like he was.

Dave rolled his eyes at himself. Stupid. All that shit was stupid. Feelings? Who needs ‘em. Not him. Definitely not.

He swept all the hair trimmings away and checked his watch. Only a half hour to go. He might as well close up. No one was coming in anymore; in fact, he was positive the only people still hanging around were employees of the various shops silently counting down the minutes until they could leave.

The setting sun sent bright rays through the dingy windows of the mall and bounced off all the mirrors in the hair salon, and Dave turned to shut the door.

“Hey, wait!!”

Some dude came charging in out of nowhere and screeched to a halt right in front of Dave, panting like he’d just run the fucking marathon. “Sorry,” he said, wheezing; Dave stared nonchalantly. “I know I’m really late and you probably just want to go home--”

“Sure do,” Dave deadpanned.

“I just need a little trim,” the guy said, with an apologetic sort of smile. “Look at this.” He puffed his overgrown jet-black bangs with his breath - they shot up and descended back down right into his eyes. “Heh. I let it go a bit too long. But that’s all! Just really quick! I meant to come here earlier but--”

Dave sighed impatiently. “Get in the chair. The more you talk the longer I gotta stay here,” he said shortly.

“Thanks!” The guy was beaming and he settled into the closest seat. Weird. That’d been pretty mouthy, Dave had to admit. Normally people got pissy when he said shit like that.

“Gonna need you to take your glasses off,” Dave said as he swung the cape-cover over the guy’s shoulders and surveyed the untidy mop of hair before him. “You sure you just want a bit off the front? Because the back’s pretty messy.”

“It’s always like that,” he chuckled. “I just need the fringe out of my eyes.”

“Yeah, that sounds pretty crucial, considering you can’t see as it is,” Dave replied, gesturing vaguely at the glasses tucked away in his customer’s front pocket. “You got a name?”

“I’m John,” was the answer.

“Fascinating.”

“Well, you asked,” he said, his tone bordering on defensive.

“Pretty generic, in my opinion.”

“So what’s your wildly exciting name, then?”

Dave twisted his lips. “Dave Strider.”

“Oh yeah, because Dave’s such an unusual name.”

“Watch it, or I’ll snip your ear by mistake,” Dave retorted. He heard John snickering and pursed his lips. “I’m not joking. Ask anybody, I’m deadly with these things. Seriously, you sure about the back? Because I could fix it up real easy.”

“No, I know I’m keeping you here late anyway. I’ll survive having unkempt bedhead.”

Dave was taken aback; he actually sounded sorry for causing a fuss. Most people who claimed to be sorry for pulling shit like this really weren’t. But for some reason this was different. He seemed genuine. “Suit yourself. Why’d you come charging in so late anyway?”

“Work,” John answered simply. “I thought I could get away and make a real appointment, but it just didn’t happen.”

“Shoulda showed up earlier. My co-worker Fef is the magician in here,” Dave remarked.

“You seem pretty good to me!”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just trying to walk outta here with both ears,” Dave replied, and he couldn’t help but grin. Was he actually having fun at work? Perish the fucking thought. He had to admit that John had a quick wit, and the banter was certainly making him forget that he was staying late for this shit. He leaned over and started working on the front fringe, taking locks of hair between his fingers and snipping away.

“Where are you from?” John asked suddenly.

“Hmm? What’re you asking for?” Dave questioned vaguely, wrapped up in his work.

“Your accent.”

He paused and drew back to stare incredulously. “My _what?”_

“I mean, it’s not super noticeable. But you slur your words a bit. Sounds Southern. Am I right?”

Dave raised his eyebrows and went back to work. “Good guess. Texas. Most people can’t tell, I’ve been living around here for so long that all the hard consonants have stuck to me.” This was only partially the truth. Really, he did his best to keep that drawl at bay. In fact normally he denied having an accent if anyone noticed. But he let himself slip to joke, “I talk proper now like the rest of y’all. Like a real lady, y’know?”

John laughed at that and Dave felt his smile grow without meaning it to.

“It’s not _that_ bad.” He sounded earnest and, strangely enough, it killed Dave’s impulse to be embarrassed.

“What a glowing compliment. “Not that bad.” I’ll have a certificate made.”

“Make sure to get a nice frame,” John teased.

He did a few more snips at John’s fringe, stared, and said, “Alright, look up at me a sec.”

John did so and…jesus fucking christ he had nice eyes. Dave was relieved to be able to mask his expression behind his shades because quite frankly it was embarrassing. But damn, those were some pretty lookers. That perfect shade of blue ought to be illegal. Not even the sky was that blue. Skies in _paintings_ weren’t that blue. He was hoarding all the perfect blue in his fucking irises.

“Uh. Good,” he said awkwardly after a few long seconds had passed. He set his jaw and got back to work. A couple more cuts and a few more flashing motions of his shears and he was done. “Alrighty. That’s it.”

John stuck his glasses back on and smiled wide. “Thanks again,” he said warmly. “I know I was a pain.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Shit happens,” Dave said breezily, although an hour ago he would have had nothing but acidic words for some random dipshit who wandered in at a half-hour to closing.

He paid with card and signed his name as John Egbert. Altogether his entire name was so helplessly lame that it seemed made up, but oddly it seemed to suit him. Even more oddly still, Dave was sorry to see him go.

“I’ll see you around! Because I can actually see now with my hair out of my eyes,” John joked, grinning. Dave took a moment to duly note that, in addition to having nice eyes, John also had a really stunning smile.

Normally Dave sent customers off with a brief good-bye and little more; he never responded to any of their queries or the exit statements all the customers thought were just so witty. But today Dave said, “Don’t let it happen again. Come in sooner next time.” He stuck his hands in his pockets and the next sentence tumbled out of him in a rush: “You know, I work most days, so you can just pop in whenever. Usually it’s pretty quiet, I’ll probably be free to fix your hair. Maybe work on the rest of it next time.” He was getting dangerously close to rambling and it never ended well for anyone when he started down that road. But there he was.

“Ha, thanks! I mean, I don’t get my hair cut that often. It grows slow.”

“Oh. Yeah, I get that. Whenever it strikes your fancy, then.” Shit. Shit. Fucking _mayday_. Dave felt some surge of desperation that rocketed out of his gut and locked him in a vice grip and he didn’t know why. What did it matter if he never saw this guy again? Why did he care about John Egbert’s eyes and smile and general presence and…fuck. All his trademark stoicism was swirling down the drain.

John laughed again, but not in a way indicative of pity; his eyes were bright. He didn’t seem to notice the panic that seemed so obvious to Dave himself. “You don’t have to wait around here if you wanna hang out,” he said. “I work at the dumb joke shop over on the other side of the mall. You should come visit! I mean, if you’re not too busy. It’s really boring over there, I could do with something to look forward to.”

“Uh. Sure. Totally. I’ll…yeah,” Dave stammered. “Cool.”

He sounded like a total moron but John only smiled wider. “Awesome! It was nice to meet you, Dave.” And with that, he waved and departed, freshly-chopped hair catching all the light of the dying sun in such a flawlessly cinematic way that it seemed unreal.

Dave blinked slowly, suddenly acknowledging some weird fluttering feeling rising from the pit of his stomach. _Something to look forward to_ …John was looking forward to seeing him. Hell, he’d invited him down to _visit_. Asshole basically dropped his goddamn calling-card. And for whatever reason, this made Dave indescribably happy.

“What just fucking happened?” he asked himself aloud. But it was obvious, even if he didn’t want to say it.

He’d just fallen head-over-heels for some dweeb named John Egbert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this behemoth fanfic for so long how did this happen. I have several chapters done, hopefully starting to upload them will force me to actually work on the damn thing regularly pffft.  
> also my girlfriend is a saint for encouraging me every time i decried this hot mess romcom fic and insisting i wasn't butchering all our random AU ideas <3


	2. Reconnaissance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's doing recon on the incredibly elusive and mysterious John Egbert, and he turns to the usual suspects for assistance. If you could even count all their useless bullshit as assistance, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far the longest chapter I've written yet since it's the chapter where I introduce 99% of the other characters who appear, so settle in and get some snacks if you wanna make it through alive.

Dave couldn’t get John Egbert’s voice out of his head and it was starting to become obnoxious. He hadn’t had it this bad for someone since…well, since ever. None of this was normal for him. But he was fixated on those blue eyes and that bright smile and the cascading tones of his laughter.

“Dave.”

Oh yeah, the way John said his name was nice too. Like it meant something.

“Dave.”

How the hell did he make one nondescript name sound like poetry or some shit?

“Dave!”

Shit, that wasn’t John’s voice in his head, that was his co-worker’s in his ear. He jolted out of his stupor and called, “Yeah, Feferi?”

“You didn’t sweep!” she said indignantly, pointing to the scattered black trimmings on the floor.

Oh. That’s right. He hadn’t. He’d gone home in an utterly pathetic lovelorn blur and totally forgotten to sweep up John’s hair. Fucking idiot. This wasn’t a good sign for his mental state.

“Missed a spot. My bad,” he apologized. “Some dude came in at the absolute last second yesterday.”

“Who?” Feferi asked.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t your not-so-secret admirer creeping around again,” Dave said with a mean chuckle.

“Oh, shut up. Really, who?”

Dave shrugged as casually as he could manage. “Said he works at the joke shop. Name was John or something,” he said. Dammit, usually he could be aloof without even trying, why was it suddenly so hard? Fortunately Feferi stopped questioning him, distracted by Kanaya coming in.

“How was your date?” the both of them asked at once.

Kanaya shifted her scarf in a dignified manner and said, “I think it went well.”

Dave went through the morning with his mind somewhere else entirely. He just kept replaying John’s invitation to go hang out and couldn’t understand why he was so reluctant. No, it wasn’t reluctance; he was _scared_. And it was infuriating. He didn’t even know who John was, really. Just some guy who’d wandered into the lame salon for a half-assed haircut. Who was admittedly fun to talk to and kind of sweet, in his own way. And hot. Definitely hot. Shit. He had to go see John. He couldn’t go see John. But he had to. But he couldn’t. Jesus dick what the hell was wrong with him.

However, he had nobody to ask for advice. Everyone knew everyone in this fucking place and they were all horrible gossips. If any of them heard Dave was nursing a crush on some nerd working a register somewhere in the mall, he would bet his entire minimum-wage paycheck that the news would get around in minutes.

But, simultaneously, he needed all the secrets that never stayed secrets; he just had to know more about this guy. And, come to think of it, directions to the mythical joke shop would also be helpful. He wasn’t about to go wandering around the fucking place like an idiot, or worse, like someone who actually _shopped_ here. He always spent his breaks doing the rounds at the mall and checking up on everyone, anyway; someone always had something interesting to say.

So Dave just counted down the minutes until he was free to wander.

“See you in an hour,” Kanaya said cheerfully; he waved as he left the salon. First up was GameStop. Karkat usually knew a little bit about everyone and really didn’t give a shit about who he told it to.

You could always find the GameStop because ninety percent of the time, either Karkat and his manager Sollux were screaming at each other, or there was some outraged and offended customer storming out the front door. The latter was the case as Dave strolled by; he sidestepped some random livid woman and her wildly-swinging shopping bags and went in, calling, “Another successful sale, huh, Karkat?”

“Yeah, you know him. He’s just got such a pleasant disposition. The customers love him,” Sollux replied as he shut the register. “I keep forgetting that he’s only allowed to restock. It’s my fault, really.”

“Are you talking shit about me in there, Captor?!” Karkat yelled indignantly from the back room.

“Definitely. You gotta stop scaring off the nice people who are trying to generate us revenue. It’s not a good business model,” Sollux shot back, rolling his eyes.

Karkat stormed in, skinny and small but constantly full of fury. “These fuckheads need thicker skins,” he insisted caustically, and then rounded on Sollux. “And you! You need to teach me how to work the fucking cash register instead of just laughing at me when I send the drawer careening into my gut at a thousand miles an hour!”

“I’ve taught you like a million times, you just suck at learning,” Sollux replied, lisping through his sentences. “Besides, your customer service problems extend far beyond the fact that you’re too incompetent to work a cash register. You and Tavros should start a club.”

“Fucking stuff it.”

“You should have a swear jar in here, you’d make so much money,” Dave suggested helpfully, the end of his mouth tugging up in a mean grin. “Wait, Tavros yells at people now? That I gotta see.”

Sollux scoffed. “I would pay money for that shitshow. Nah, he just sends the drawer into his stomach like KK does. Jade doesn’t let him at the register anymore, last time he got hit he wouldn’t come in for a week. Claimed he was sick. But really the only thing that was bruised was what tiny shreds remain of his ego,” he explained. He jabbed a finger at Karkat and went on, “Man, I would love a week free of this one. Maybe I should let you at the register more. But only if you promise to grievously injure yourself so I can visit you in the hospital and laugh at you.”

“Ha ha. You wouldn’t last a second without me,” Karkat grumbled, rearranging the shelves with wholly unnecessary force. “Whatever. Why are you even here, Strider?”

“Always with the surname,” Dave noted. “What do you mean, why? I’m on break.”

“So you spend your time with us. Wow, I’m so flattered,” Sollux chimed in.

“Don’t be. He wants something,” Karkat said dismissively, as if Dave wasn’t even there. Fucking rude.

“I do not,” Dave retorted. He had to bite back the defensiveness that sprang from his throat. Come on. Play it cool. This was the absolute worst time to lose the poker face.

“He _definitely_ wants something,” Karkat amended, rolling his eyes. “No can do, Sollux is already promised to another and I have actual standards. Sorry to disappoint you.”

“Promised to another?” Dave asked.

“Karkat, I swear to god--”

“She’ll show up sooner or later, she always does.”

“Who?” Watching Karkat and Sollux talk was like sitting at a tennis match, your head just kept spinning from one to the other.

“That spooky chick who’s always hanging around. She thinks his lame pick-up lines are cute.”

“I’m gonna end you, Karkat. I’m gonna mount your severed head over my fireplace,” Sollux snarled. Karkat pitched an empty box at him in response.

“Okay, seriously, Dave, what do you want?” Karkat asked, staring at him critically. “You only hang around to antagonize me or to gossip and you’re being significantly less of a douche than usual, so I’ll entertain your bullshit today.”

Dave jammed his hands in his pockets. Shit. He looked nervous, didn’t he? This wasn’t gonna end well. Karkat Vantas nearly always knew too much as it was. He couldn’t know about this. “So is there some sort of joke shop in this miserable excuse for a mall? I heard there was.”

Karkat frowned more deeply. “Oh. Yeah, that place. It’s around. Fairly new, but nothing special. I don’t know anyone there.”

That made Dave raise his eyebrows. “Don’t lie to me. You know everyone.”

“Calm down, asshole. Even I’m not omnipotent, believe it or not.” He sighed. “The reason is it’s a family gambit, and I’m not in with the family. Some middle-aged guy and his son.”

Sounded promising. Dave felt his heart skip a beat and it was incredibly stupid. Was it possible to beat the everloving shit out of your own heart? Because the prospect sounded extremely tempting at the moment. “That’s it?” he prompted.

Karkat shrugged. “Pretty much. The son’s around our age. Name’s…John or something. I dunno, that’s all I’ve got. Ask around.” He glanced up and shot Dave a piercing glare. “Why do you ask?”

“One of my customers mentioned the place and I’d never heard of it. Figured I’d ask you.” Dave managed to pull off the casual excuse that, technically, wasn’t a lie, and was quite pleased with himself for it. No one seemed to notice anything amiss.

“Yeah, yeah, everyone always needs me. Who knows what you fuckers would do without my guidance,” Karkat groused. Always a ray of sunshine; it was inspiring, really.

“Catch you later. Good luck with your spooky chick,” Dave said, making his way out of the store with one last jab at Sollux, who glowered at him as he passed.

“At least somebody’s actually noticed me. Unlike Karkat, who’s just hopelessly pining over--”

“DON’T YOU OPEN YOUR _FUCKING MOUTH!!”_ There was an enormous crash behind him which could only mean that Karkat was throwing merchandise at Sollux again. Another lovely afternoon.

So Karkat didn’t know anything about John. That was fairly disheartening. But at the same time, it only made Dave more intrigued and, admittedly, even more smitten. Who didn’t like a good mystery, after all?

Up next was the candy shop, just a few steps down from Karkat and Sollux at GameStop. “Hey, TZ, you in?” he called. This place made him glad he wore sunglasses indoors, because it was the neon candy apeshit apocalypse in here. The bright fluorescents were somehow already giving him a migraine.

Terezi Pyrope popped up from behind the counter with her usual mad Cheshire Cat grin. “I certainly am, Dave,” she answered enthusiastically.

“Just checking in. Y’know, the usual,” Dave said, attempting to snag some jellybeans out of the jar on the counter. Terezi slapped his hand away. “Ow! Jesus. I was kidding, no need to start beating me.”

“Consider it justice.”

“It’s always justice with you.”

“I fail to see the problem.” She waited a moment and then looked at him quizzically. “So what’s the deal? Usually you try and steal candy from me several times a day. Everyone always thinks they can steal from the blind girl. They think I can’t catch the foul odor of deception! But it reeks to high heaven and I never fail to find it.”

“TZ, for the billionth time, I am forced to remind you that you’re only legally blind. You can see my hand going for the candy. Isn’t that what those super-advanced prescription lenses are for?” Dave asked, slowly edging his fingers back to the candy bowl only to be met with a very foul glare. Maybe it was a bad idea to antagonize people he was planning on soliciting for gossip. Just maybe.

“Don’t ruin my fun. What’s up?”

“Have you ever met this guy named John? He’s around our age. Dark hair, glasses, kind of a dweeb. Apparently he works at the joke shop.”

Terezi pursed her lips. “He’s got to be the owner’s son, then. As far as I know only the two of them work there. Never heard much about either of them.”

“No one has, apparently. Or at least Karkat hasn’t. But he basically knows what everyone else knows, so if he’s clueless I doubt anyone else has got anything,” Dave said, annoyance evident in his tone.

“They’re new, though. So probably they’ll come out of their shells sooner or later. Why do you care, anyway?”

Dave shrugged and Terezi pretended she couldn’t see him. “I don’t. At all,” he lied. “But I’ve seen him around, so I was curious. I figured the rumor mill was the best place to start.” Fuck, he was running out of excuses for his painfully obvious interest in John already.

“But no dice?”

“None.” He frowned. “Keep up the dice lines and you’ll turn into your sister.”

Terezi scoffed. “God forbid I turn into my sister. If you’re making the rounds try and tell her hello from me. She should visit sometime if she can get away from all the obnoxious teenagers.”

“She’s still at fucking Hot Topic? But she hates it there.”

“She hates working up a résumé more.”

Dave snorted. “Yeah, I believe that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her work in that place.”

“Well, she’s a manager now. So she just kind of supervises, I guess. It’s totally her element.”

“Leadership?”

“She’s always been bossy. Even though I’m older.” Terezi’s grin widened. “Make sure you remind her of that. She hates it.”

Dave chuckled. “Will do. Thanks, TZ.”

Terezi handed him one single red jellybean and said, “Good luck on your recon mission. Next time you come in here try actually buying something for once.”

“Not gonna happen.”

As he left the candy shop Dave realized that if he kept asking people the same set of questions, sooner or later they would realize something was up. In fact, he was almost certain that by the time he finished his circuit around the mall his aloof façade would begin to crumble. It would become patently obvious that he did indeed care and this was far more than some passing interest in gossiping about the new guy. He scuffed his feet along the floor tiles and scowled.

The memory of John Egbert’s earnest smile floated up in his mind for the billionth time since yesterday and Dave’s exasperation grew. Clearly no one should be allowed to be so good-looking, because all it did was wreak havoc and devastation on poor unsuspecting souls. Dave hadn’t asked for this. Well, he suppose he kind of did? He had been moping about how boring his life was yesterday. Couldn’t the universe have granted him a jet pack or something instead of a stupid fucking crush?

“Hey! You with the shades!”

Oh, Jesus. He knew that ridiculous accent. It was that guy who was always in the salon asking for Feferi. Dave couldn’t remember the dude’s name for the life of him and he really didn’t have time to stand around waiting to learn it. Something with an A? Or maybe an E. Shit, was that the first name or the last name?

“I have a name, you know,” Dave said, stopping in front of the little American Apparel outlet. The comeback wasn’t quite as satisfying to say considering Dave wasn’t exactly all-knowing with the names either.

The douche with the pompadour who had hailed him scowled. “I need your help. When can I schedule an appointment with your co-worker?”

“Probably never. Why?”

He scoffed. “For my hair, obviously. What do you think?”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Listen…” The last name did start with an A. He totally had this shit. “…Ampersand--”

“ _Ampora_. Eridan Ampora. Don’t you have my name on the books?”

“Whatever.” So close. It was tragic, but he played it off. It sounded almost like a totally sick burn? Maybe? He had to come up with something better. “We all know you’re harboring a crush on Feferi and quite frankly she doesn’t wanna hang around you. You come in like every week, it’s starting to get ridiculous.” Harboring? Fuck, that was Feferi’s influence. Always the fish puns with that one. Did growing up in a port town really do that to you? Dave was glad he was from Texas, where absolutely no verbal tics were ever imparted.

Eridan scoffed yet again. Dave decided that was enough to classify it as a verbal tic as well. “God. Is that what you all think? My hair needs to be set every week! Isn’t that obvious?”

“No, because it looks ridiculous.” Admittedly that stupid purple streak was fading and would probably look better against the rest of his sandy-blonde hair if it was redyed, but Dave was hardly in the mood to give this asshole any more ground to stand on.

“Listen, shades--”

“Yes, that’s exactly my name.”

“I need my hair set and Feferi is the only one capable of it. And you’d do well not to cross me.”

Dave crossed his arms. “Or what, you’ll overcharge me for tube socks?”

“I’m serious about this!”

“Yeah, that’s what’s so sad.”

“Hey! Keep it down out there!” Well, look who showed up to join the party. None other than Terezi’s twin sister Vriska Serket. They had different last names for reasons no one really cared to learn. Dave assumed they’d been split between divorcing parents but who fucking knew with the two of them. Honestly, it was more likely they’d changed their names to go on the lam after killing a dude and robbing some banks.

“I’m surprised you can hear us over all the death metal at Hot Topic,” Dave pointed out. “Terezi says hi, by the way. Also she wants to remind you she’s older.”

Vriska rolled her eyes and puffed a lock of her bleached-blonde hair out of her face. “Typical. But wait, are we making fun of Eridan? I’d like to get involved,” she said, smirking maliciously. After seeing Vriska Serket smirk Dave was reluctant to describe anyone else’s smile as such; she had the art of the condescending smile down to a science. Just looking at it made your self-esteem wither into dust.

Dave watched Eridan’s jaw clench as he rounded on Vriska. “No one asked for your input, Serket.”

“Are you bugging Dave about that cute hairdresser girl who’s already sick of you? You’re never gonna get a date like that,” Vriska said.

Eridan bristled. “Really? Everyone thinks that I’ve got some kinda crush on her? I need her to set my hair! It gets overgrown very quickly!”

“Yeah, I’m sooooooooo sure,” Vriska replied, dragging out her o’s entirely too long.

“I can’t help my overactive follicles!!”

“Didn’t need to hear that. Thank god I didn’t eat lunch yet,” Dave muttered. Vriska laughed. “No, no, don’t latch onto my joke. You’re ruining it by taking my side.”

Vriska was not someone you wanted to hang around with, unless Terezi was there as a buffer. And even then sometimes the two of them would turn on you. Some weird twin shit. Anyway, the reason was that Vriska had a habit of getting into trouble. Actually, it was more like a habit of getting other people into trouble; she was usually lucky enough to escape unscathed. Everyone vividly remembered the time they’d walked into the mall to open their shops and found Tavros dangling upside down from a bungee cord in the food court. He insisted Vriska had been there too and everyone believed him, but no one could ever find concrete evidence.

“Look, honestly, I don’t have time for either of you,” Dave went on irately.

“But my appointment--!”

“Oh my god, enough already.”

“What’re you in such a rush for?” Vriska asked.

Christ, these people had a fucking sixth sense. “Rush? Please. My break only lasts so long and I don’t particularly want to spend it with either of you, that’s all. Besides, I know how much it pains you to be away from your work.”

This was a deliberate ploy. Vriska was ready to rail about her job at the slightest provocation, and perhaps allowing her to do so would distract her. Fortunately, it worked. Vriska tossed her hair again and crossed her arms. “Ugh. Please,” she started, deliberately mocking his inflection. Dave elected to ignore that, although it was difficult . “Being in that place is slow torture. Do you know what it’s like to be surrounded by ugly band t-shirts and annoying teenagers with ridiculous colored streaks in their hair?”

“Hey!” Eridan objected. “Watch it!”

“That barely even counts as a streak, it just looks like you spilled paint on your forehead,” Vriska said dismissively.

“It’d look better if I could get a fuckin’ appointment at the salon!”

“I doubt that.”

“Yeah? Who did your stupid dip-dyeing, then?” Eridan challenged, flipping the ends of her messy long hair, which were a very distinct shade of blue.

“I did, got a problem?” Vriska retorted defensively.

“Yeah, I do, the problem is I gotta look at that mess every time I pass your stupid store.”

“God, you’re so riled up. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t get laid.”

“For the last time, I just want her to do my hair!”

“Literally no one believes you.”

“Yeah? And _literally_ no one can stand you.”

“Or you!”

They went on squabbling and Dave quietly departed. Perfect. It never failed. If you could get Vriska in a fight with someone else, you could always escape her company. That’s why it was good to be friends with Terezi. She was the only one who was any real match for Vriska. TZ always knew how to keep her out of trouble. But, again, only when they didn’t decide to use their freaking twin telepathy to scheme against you. It was always a coin flip when you decided to hang out with them.

That encounter had eaten up far too much time and the hour was growing slimmer with every wasted second. Dave hadn’t learned much of anything on his grand recon mission, as Terezi had phrased it, and he was basically out of people to ask for gossip. There was still Rose, he supposed, but like _hell_ would he willingly ask her. Dave was positive that she could read minds. She claimed all she knew were reverse-psychology tricks, but no, that was bullshit, she was fucking telepathic. So much as breathing John Egbert’s name in her general direction would somehow alert her to Dave’s true intentions. What even were his true intentions? What did that even fucking mean? He just wanted to talk and hang out and stare into those gorgeous eyes again and _god fucking dammit would you stop swooning for two seconds?!_

Maybe he could talk to Jade? She was hardly in the loop on people’s secrets, often preoccupied with the hapless employees she managed at the mall’s pet shop. It was a long shot, but Dave was willing to try anything at this point. Besides talking to Rose, of course. Fuck that noise.

However, there was no point in doing anything without eating first.

He started toward the food court, which contained a surprisingly decent assortment of food for such an extremely small space. He could grab some Taco Bell or something and then walk on down to the pet shop, no sweat. Excellent plan. The only problem with the food court was Gamzee Makara, but all you had to do was avoid wherever he was working and--that better not be him in the Taco Bell. Oh shit, it fucking was. Goddammit.

Gamzee was a harmless but overwhelmingly strange guy who cycled between all the food stands at the mall because he seemed to lack any other skills. Not to say that he was an exemplary chef; in fact, he burned everything. Every week he was inexplicably at a different register in the food court, as if they hadn’t learned he wasn’t reliable yet. For the SkaiaMall employees, it was some sort of culinary Russian roulette. They all knew by now to avoid Gamzee’s food like the plague and everyone walked in for their shifts on Mondays praying he wasn’t the reason they couldn’t eat at their favorite place that week. Dave, apparently, got the short end of the stick.

“That fucker ruined Taco Bell,” he grumbled under his breath. This travesty would make the week extremely difficult.

They all knew something was amiss about Gamzee. He seemed too blasé to exist. Nothing ever bothered him, not even extremely angry customers demanding to know how he’d burned a milkshake. On the few times Dave had spoken to him, the conversations always seemed to revolve around how all these motherfuckers needed to chill out, in the guy’s own words. Gamzee tended to ramble on about absolutely nothing for prolonged stretches of time, and Dave would be stuck nodding along while desperately searching for an emergency exit to the discussion. So, regretfully, he was forced to get a slice of greasy cardboard-tasting pizza instead.

Food in hand, he headed toward the pet shop, mulling over his situation yet again. Jade probably knew nothing, like everyone else. Would he actually have to ask Rose? God. It was a fate worse than death. It was playing right into her trap. She was just _waiting_ for him to actually need her stupid pseudo-shrink advice for once. She’d probably go on for years about how she’d always known he’d come groveling for her opinion one of these days. He could actually hear it in his head and winced. Even worse, he was starting to think the humiliation would be worth it if it actually gave him concrete information about John. Something was clinically fucking wrong here. This had to be some sort of mania.

Again he entertained the possibility of just going to talk to the guy. But no, that was obviously ridiculous. He couldn’t walk in blind and risk looking like an idiot. No, no, he had to know exactly what to do and say, he had to have it planned precisely in his head, because the last time when he’d been caught off-guard he had started rambling in that poor dude’s face at a thousand miles an hour. Just that once it had passed unnoticed, but he couldn’t pull that off again, now could he? Definitely not.

The pizza crust was inedible and tasted like it’d been out for days. Which, upon consideration, it probably had. He tossed it at one of the trash bins, but it bounced off the rim to the floor. He shouldn’t have eaten. He felt nauseous and it wasn’t just from the rank-ass food. He was a fucking bundle of nerves. Had it really only been yesterday he’d wished for something exciting to happen? Fuck this shit. It was terrible.

He heard revving behind him, stopped, and groaned.

“Excuse me. You were planning on picking that up, weren’t you.” It was not a request. It was a demand. Dave had unwittingly signaled mall security with his rampant littering, and mall security had a stick up his ass like no one else. It wasn’t even a stick, the dude had the goddamn Empire State Building rammed up there. Dave turned around.

“Yes, of course,” he said, rolling his eyes behind his shades.

“Good. Because I do not tolerate littering.”

“Chill out, okay? I’m getting it, dude.”

“That’s Officer Dude to you. I mean. That’s not actually my name. It’s Zahhak. Officer Equius Zahhak to you.”

“I get it, I get it. I know who you are.”

Mall security consisted entirely of this one really ripped and sweaty guy Equius and his fucking segway, upon which he sped around striking terror to the hearts of litterbugs and loiterers alike. Dave couldn’t really blame him; it wasn’t as if the mall was rife with other crimes to be attended to. Probably because everyone knew Equius would kick your ass if you tried it. One time some idiot tried to steal a woman’s purse in the mall, and Equius had literally thrown him into a wall. It had actually been pretty cool. The dent in the plaster was still there, even. But ninety-nine percent of the time, Equius was heavy-breathing down everyone’s necks to pick up trash. It was particularly infuriating because he was hardly older than any of the rest of them.

Dave put his trash away properly like a proper law-abiding mall citizen. “Happy now?” he asked.

“Yes, very much so,” Equius responded with a curt nod, failing to pick up on the obvious sarcasm in Dave’s tone. “All in a day’s work.”

“Awesome. Really excellent. I’m so thrilled for you,” Dave replied. “Your cooperation is appreciated,” Equius said, and promptly zoomed away with his scooter whirring quietly.

Dave saluted half-heartedly as Equius turned a corner and vanished. Damn, this mall had really lax hiring policies. They just handed out segways to weirdos all willy-nilly. But at least the encounter hadn’t prolonged itself and now he was free to ask more people for information they didn’t have.

His friend Jade Harley - well, she was Rose’s friend, really, but he’d spoken to her a few times anyway - managed her grandfather’s pet store. Dave had heard about this guy but never met him; apparently he was far too busy with the taxidermy of large dangerous animals that he killed on hunting expeditions for the humdrum of mall life. The place was always a disaster in action because Jade’s two employees, a boy named Tavros and a girl named Nepeta, were disasters in and of themselves.

Sure enough, Dave walked into the place just in time to prevent Jade from being crushed under a pile of delivery crates. “Oh! Hey, Dave,” she said with a strained smile as he shoved against the avalanche of postal boxes with her. In a minute the stack was righted and Dave exhaled sharply.

“Shit. What is all this?” he asked.

“Who knows. Smells like gunpowder, though, so my grandpa probably forwarded some of his hunting stuff over here again,” Jade replied, shaking her head.

“And no one around to help with that, as usual,” Dave said.

Jade rolled her eyes behind her oversized round glasses. “No, of course not,” she muttered.

Dave glanced past her to see Nepeta playing with the kittens and Tavros texting at the register. “Yeah. They’re pretty busy. I’ve seriously never seen them work a day in their lives.”

“I resent that,” Tavros called, eyes still glued to his phone.

“Cats need lots of love and affection to grow big and strong! Oh, yes you do, don’t you? Yes you do,” Nepeta cooed, her voice drifting from somewhere on the floor.

“Yeah. Sure. Why don’t you just fire them?” Dave asked.

Jade shrugged. “Oh, they mean well. And if I don’t employ them, no one will. I feel bad.”

“No one likes a charity case, Harley.”

“I can handle it,” she replied. “So what’s up? Just stopping by?”

“Yeah. My break’s gonna end soon though, so I can’t hang around long. Lots of hair to cut, y’know,” Dave said, again finding his hands in his pockets. His fingers kept curling up nervously. Why even bother asking? Clearly the universe was actively working against him ever seeing John Egbert again. But he had to try. So he sighed and, quietly, continued, “Actually, I was just snooping around for gossip all day.”

“Really? Intriguing. On what?” Jade asked with a grin. Something about her smile was ringing a bell vaguely in Dave’s mind, but he couldn’t figure out why. She started sorting the boxes and he kept talking.

“Uh, about this new guy at the mall. Saw him the other day and had no idea who he was, so I figured I’d see if anyone else did. Got dark hair, glasses, around our age, works at some joke shop I’ve never heard of. Name’s John. No one’s got much on him, though, so…” He trailed off, waiting for the inevitable shrug and the same old “nope no idea” answer, waiting for the familiar mortifying but all-consuming feeling of crushing disappointment.

But Jade turned around quite sharply. “John Egbert?” she asked. “Yeah, I know him. He’s my cousin.”

“Yeah, I thought you--wait, what?” Dave asked, blinking stupidly. That was it. Jade’s smile reminded him of John’s. Come to think of it, the family resemblance was pretty obvious. Wow, how had he not picked up on that sooner?

Jade nodded. “Mm-hmm. My uncle opened the joke shop after he quit his office job. John works the register. I told him to try and socialize more but I guess he ignored me. No wonder no one knows who he is,” she explained.

Dave was exploding with a deluge of questions he wanted to ask and bit his tongue to keep them all from spilling out. Be calm, be calm, don’t lose your shit, you’ve held it together this long, don’t lose it now. “What’s he like?” he questioned carefully.

Jade paused a minute. “He’s plenty friendly, so I don’t know why he’s been so shy around here. I grew up around him so it’s hard to try and explain him to someone else. Hmm…well, he’s nice. Kind of a dork, but funny, in his own weird way. Watches lots of movies and he’s really into cinematic stuff, so don’t even get him started unless you want a five-hour lecture.” She smiled over at Dave. “I think you guys would get along, actually! He’s easy to talk to, you should go say hi sometime.”

A wave of nervous anticipation swept through Dave’s stomach and for an instant he would have liked nothing more than to hear John’s voice babble about cinematography. He wondered if John talked with his hands. And what John’s hands would feel like on his skin. Wait, what? Shit. It would probably feel nice, though. It’d be better than nice. It’d be wonderful and he wanted it and couldn’t deny that he wanted it, wanted John’s fingertips running along his body, John’s eyes locked onto his, John’s breath hot against his mouth and--

Holy _fuck_.

“Dave, are you alright?” Jade asked, her voice sounding very distant.

“Huh? Yeah. Peachy-keen. Sorry, I’m exhausted,” he said, snapping out of his daze and waving his hand impatiently as if to brush the question away. “So that’s it? No secrets? No scandals?”

“Haha, as if,” Jade scoffed. “No, John’s not that difficult to figure out.”

“Talk about boring,” Dave said, doing his best to mask his relief. He could definitely survive without a plethora of mysteries. He was tripping over himself enough as it was.

“Yeah, I know. Everyone will be sorely disappointed that there’s nothing to gossip about,” Jade laughed, rolling her eyes. “I could introduce you guys if you like. Or you could just wander over to the joke shop. It’s at the end of the mall; just hang a right out the front door here and keep walking til you can’t anymore.”

“Maybe,” Dave said casually, although he was having a hard time remembering to breathe. Come on, in-out, in-out, it’s not fucking hard. This bundle-of-nerves bullshit was long overstaying its welcome. “I mean, I can’t today, my break’s almost over. But maybe tomorrow.”

“Sounds good! He’ll be happy, he keeps complaining that he’s bored out of his wits. Well, I’ve gotta sort all this,” Jade said, gesturing widely to the stacks of boxes. “I’ll see you around, Dave.”

“I’m sure you can’t leave them unsupervised for long, either,” Dave said, nodding at Tavros and Nepeta.

“You don’t even want to know. I never leave this place, I just order food on my phone,” Jade said. “Last time I left Tavros had cats digging their claws into his clothes and Nepeta refused to explain what happened.”

“Shit, Tavros, you always end up in the weirdest scenarios,” Dave snickered.

Tavros glared. “We don’t speak about that bungee-cord thing. I thought everyone agreed,” he retorted.

“I speak of it, because it’s funny as hell.”

“Shut up.”

“Whatever. Later, guys.”

He should have figured that the person he decided to ask last would be the only one who knew anything. His hour was basically up and he really ought to start heading back to the hair salon.

Dave took a right out of the pet store and walked. It didn’t take long before he spotted the joke shop; the front façade was a garish explosion of multicolored paint and some weird whimsical font that Dave couldn’t even read. All the colors were blurring. But it had to be the place, exactly where Jade said it would be.

It wouldn’t hurt to just stroll by, would it? No, wouldn’t hurt at all.

Dave took a step closer, peering in through the front window. His heartbeat was pounding entirely too loudly in his ears and all the nerves that had been building within him all afternoon suddenly doubled and ate him alive. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t know why but he fucking couldn’t. Abruptly, he turned heel and started speeding back to the hair salon, shoulders hunched and hands, once again, jammed in his pockets, where they twisted around themselves anxiously. Jesus fucking christ, what a goddamn disaster, this whole day had just been nothing but a disaster. He kept his eyes down on the floor and watched the tile fly by under his sneakers as his face twisted into an ugly frown. Stupid, stupid, _stupid…_

“Hello, Dave.”

“Augh!” Dave jumped about a mile out of his skin, jolted out of his pity party with the floor, and glared up. It was Rose. Of course it was Rose. Who else would it fucking be? “Shit, Lalonde, do you have to go jumping out at people all day long? Don’t you ever get bored of terrorizing innocent passerby? Christ.”

“You’re in a wonderful mood,” she said dryly, raising an eyebrow.

“Fuck off,” he grumbled.

Rose was standing in the doorway of the bookshop she worked at, which was adjacent to the hair salon. She abused this proximity constantly by antagonizing Dave however she could. He set his jaw; if he was gonna pretend like nothing was wrong and he was totally fine, he had to actually act calm. She was intuitive enough to tell he was worked up about something without him making it so pointedly obvious. “Look, my break’s over, I gotta get back to my job. So should you. You’re not getting paid to idle around scaring the everloving shit out of people,” he told her, parsing out every syllable as evenly as he could manage.

She was eyeing him critically like she was X-raying his brain and Dave didn’t care for it. “You seem distressed over something. And I hate to see family upset,” she said, leaning on the doorframe.

Dave did his best to keep his face from falling again. He was distressed and thinking about it only served to make him _more_ distressed because it was all so ridiculous. But of course talking to Rose would be absolutely no help. No, the most troubling problems could only be solved by ignoring them completely, pretending they didn’t exist, and then uselessly moping about them later in private. “Distressed? Nah,” he said nonchalantly, shrugging. “What makes you say that?”

Rose crossed her arms. “You’re unusually impatient today.”

“Yeah, I’m unusually done with your shit today,” Dave shot back, mirroring her crossed arms as condescendingly as possible. “So kindly quit it.”

“I think I know why,” Rose went on, as if he hadn’t spoken at all. “In fact, I have a fairly sound theory on the matter. Would you mind if I consulted you on it?”

“I don’t seem to have a choice.”

“No, you don’t,” Rose agreed, her smile growing. It was one of those cryptic grins of hers that was virtually always a portent of certain doom. Here we fuckin’ go. “I heard a rumor about you today, Dave. I figured I’d go to the source.”

Fuuuuuuck. “Okay. Fine.”

“Allegedly you’ve been asking after a certain John Egbert.”

“How the hell do you even know that?!” Dave blurted out, unable to control himself.

“Oh, so it’s true! I wasn’t certain. I mean, Jade told me, but I had to be sure. She also mentioned that you’d indicated she wasn’t the first you asked. Is that true as well?”

“I…yeah, okay? It’s true. Congratulations, you gossipy shrew.”

“I’ve met John a few times. Hardly enough to say I know him, but I know who he is.”

“You do?” Dave asked, sounding much too eager. He just couldn’t hold his fucking tongue today. “How?”

“He’s Jade’s cousin,” Rose said, as if it was obvious. “Of course we’ve bumped shoulders a few times. Their family’s very close; John’s father looks after Jade quite a bit when her grandfather’s traveling. He always brings cakes. So how do you know him? Jade said you merely saw him walking by, but I’m not so inclined to believe that.”

“Why not?” Dave asked defensively.

“For starters, there’s the fact that I saw him leaving the hair salon yesterday as I was closing up,” Rose informed him, not caring to disguise the smugness in her tone.

_Fuuuuuuuuck._ “Uh.”

“So you lied to Jade.”

“I mean…” What was even the point of trying to avoid the question? She’d totally set him up to catch him in a lie like a fucking animal. There seemed to be little Rose liked better than reminding him that she was the most duplicitous witch he had the misfortune of being related to, even if you counted Bro, who was prone to actual, literal backstabbing with swords. “Alright. Sure. I suppose I fudged the truth a little bit. So what?” It wasn’t much of an excuse, but it was something.

“I’m sure Jade figured that you asked because you wanted to meet him. But it seems you two have already met. So why bother with this needless flash-stepping around the truth? Unless, of course, the subject holds some deeper significance to you. Or you may just be practicing your flash-stepping. I know your side of the family is fond of such things. I’m leaning towards the former, though; call it a gut instinct. Do enlighten me, I’m dying to know all the details of your salacious exploits with mutual acquaintances.”

Dave could feel the back of his neck burning up in a blush and only prayed it wasn’t noticeable. Salacious was not a word he wanted associated with him or with John Egbert or with anything right now. His mind abruptly flashed back to that split-second daydream he’d fallen into back at Jade’s and he struggled to drag his mind out of the gutter.

“It’s not like that, Rose. Jesus,” he muttered, the words ringing false when his mind just kept presenting him with imagined sloppy makeouts with John. Fucking hell. “Yeah, we talked and I cut his hair and shit, but I didn’t know anything about him and I was curious, that’s all. So I shook down the rumor mill a bit. Nothing fishy, so calm down.” It was an effort to keep his voice casual; he wanted to sink down into the fucking floor and never be seen again.

“You could have just spoken to him,” Rose pointed out. “I think it would have been much less of a hassle for you. Oh, but let me guess. You wanted to learn about him first. You tried to glean all the hearsay you could from everyone today, didn’t you?”

Dave sighed and didn’t answer.

“Hmm. I’m starting to understand more now, I think.” She paused a minute. “Yes, I understand the scenario entirely. And if you’d like my advice on the matter, all you have to do is ask.”

“I don’t care,” Dave shot back. “Don’t you have shitty books to sell?”

“So? Are you going to see him?” Rose inquired, not even skipping a beat.

See him? What, like go out with him? Date him? The prospect was inviting, he couldn’t lie…what the fuck was he saying? He met the guy yesterday, so why the hell was he so eager and excited at the mere possibility? The blush spread up over Dave’s cheeks and he scowled. “See him? Christ, Rose, I don’t fucking know! I’ve hardly even spoken with him yet, what the hell are you _rushing_ me for?” he burst out.

Rose looked entirely too delighted. “I meant go visit him. At that joke shop he works at. That’s all. So will you?”

The color abruptly drained from his face and he went white as a sheet. Goddammit. “Oh. Uh. Yeah, I guess so. Jade says he’s cool. He invited me to come hang out sometime. So yeah. I’ll go. I’ll go tomorrow. No big deal,” Dave babbled helplessly. His mouth had declared independence from his brain and was running on pure revolutionary adrenaline at this point. It was complete anarchy.

“Exciting. I’ll be sure to tell Jade,” Rose said through muffled laughter. With that, she turned back into the bookshop, leaving Dave standing there dumbly with his stomach twisting in knots. He’d dug his own grave and there was no way out. Now he had to go see John. If he didn’t he knew Rose would prod him about it and ask more stupid questions. He really should have expected Rose and Jade to be in cahoots, but somehow it’d still blindsided him. The two of them were basically a hivemind now. What if Jade told John about this whole mess? What would John do if Dave actually showed up? What would John do if he didn’t? How the hell did all three of them know each other without Dave being aware of it? It was too much, it was all too much.

Why even bother? John probably didn’t care to see him anyway.

That thought brought on the most devastating feeling of distress yet. But he had to face it. He was an utter non-entity to John, he was sure of it. What was he expecting? To actually go out with him as he’d thought Rose was suggesting? Ridiculous. No way. It would never happen. It couldn’t.

Could it?

He quashed the one tiny hopeful thought. Or at least he tried; it hovered around the back alleys of his brain, whispering incessantly in a very small voice. It was there, but it was easy enough to ignore. Dave walked back in the hair salon and tried his best to forget about it.

“So what’s up? Give us the status report!” Feferi asked cheerfully.

“That Ampora guy asked about you.”

“It figures,” Kanaya chimed in as she penciled something down at the front desk.

“He insists he’s just looking to make an appointment and nothing more,” Dave said. “In fact, he’s fairly agitated about it. Says his hair is falling apart.”

“I suppose it doesn’t take much,” Kanaya said, and they all laughed.

“Also Gamzee’s working at Taco Bell this week.”

“What? No!” Feferi exclaimed.

“Yeah, I know, right? Total bullshit.”

The voice was still whispering. _Maybe he likes you maybe you have a chance maybe it’ll work maybe maybe maybe…_

He knew it was wrong. But he let it talk.


	3. Side Slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"A **side slip** is a card manipulation technique in which a predetermined card is brought to the top of the deck."_

John Egbert paused a minute to contemplate that cute hairdresser’s eyes.

Of course, he’d only seen them for a split second yesterday because of those goofy sunglasses covering them up all the time. But as the sun was setting, the light had hit his face in just the right way for one fraction of an instant. Dave had been close enough, entirely focused on his work with his head bent over, and his shades went transparent so that John could see past them perfectly, even though he was pretty much blind as a bat without his glasses. Dave’s eyes were some impossibly bright color but John wasn’t sure which, exactly. But maybe someday he could see properly…?

He twisted his lips. Heh. Silly. He’d been in a silly sort of mood ever since yesterday.

Up that close, he also saw the dusting of freckles across the bridge of Dave’s nose and spilling over his cheeks, too many to count, felt his breath as he spoke, watched his mouth move in exquisite detail. He’d had a few flyaway locks of hair drifting over his forehead and John had wanted so much to brush them back. Or, no, maybe just let his fingers run through all that soft-looking sunny blond hair. That’d be nice.

Jeez. John blinked hard and shook himself out of his daze. Of course, he hadn’t done that. That would have been weird. And Dave had been armed with his shears so if he didn’t take kindly to it John would have probably lost a finger or two.

He frowned and started messing around with his deck of cards again. When in doubt, practice awesome card tricks. It was one of the many mottos he lived by. He flipped the cards through his fingers with an experienced air and leaned on the counter. No one ever came into this tacky joke shop and most of the time John was bored out of his wits. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He liked to mess around with the magic kits when his dad wasn’t paying attention, which was pretty much always. His dad was perpetually sorting paperwork or some other boring administrative task, and he was hardly ever within a five-mile radius of the mall. He couldn’t break those office-job habits if he tried.

For the thousandth time since yesterday John replayed Dave’s voice in his mind. It was kind of sad, but he couldn’t help it. The still-mysterious entity of Dave Strider was burned into his memory. John had asked him to come down to the joke shop to visit, and he was stubbornly holding onto Dave’s halted but acquiescent response. He’d sounded nervous, almost. Probably swamped in the face of John’s overzealousness, John realized in retrospect. But he’d agreed! Hadn’t he? There’d been a “yeah” and a “sure” somewhere in the stammering. But maybe he was only being polite. After all, John was just some random stranger with messy overgrown hair. Ugh. _Idiot._

His hand slipped and he sent cards flying everywhere. He sighed extravagantly and swept them together into an unorganized heap on the counter.

It had been a little much, hadn’t it? They’d only just met. But Jade had told him to be friendly and he’d given it his best shot! It was hard to fit in around here, since everyone else seemed to know each other already. He only knew his cousin and her friend Rose Lalonde, and he didn’t even know Rose all that well. All the rest were strangers. Strangers who apparently spent all their time gossiping about each other, according to Jade.

But he’d met Dave. And he liked Dave. Well, he _supposed_ he did. They seemed to get along. Dave was easy to talk to. He was funny and interesting and he had this ghostly remnant of an accent that slurred his words at the ends which was actually pretty cute. He was pretty cute in general. John’s hands had a spasm over the cards again just as he’d almost straightened the deck out. Wow. This was out of hand. Literally. He laughed to himself at that. “Out of hand. Because I…yeah,” he mumbled, snickering. _Lame._

He was acting incredibly lame. Jade called him lame extremely often to tease him and usually he disagreed vehemently (“No, Jade, magic is cool! Con Air is cool! Ghosts are cool!”), but right now if she’d said it he probably would have agreed.

But maybe Dave would show up anyway. No, he definitely wouldn’t. He’d been extremely vague, merely agreeing with the idea of visiting, not setting any sort of date. Eurgh. Bad word choice. It wasn’t a _date_. They weren’t going to date. Just talk and swap jokes and hang out. And kiss. Wait, no. Not that. He hoped so. Wait, _no_. That wasn’t right either. He shouldn’t hope so, because he knew he didn’t even have a chance.

For a moment John lingered in one other memory from yesterday: a few criminally brief seconds of eye contact as Dave had cut his hair. It had really only been a moment or two. It probably didn’t mean anything. But the sun had been shining just right and he saw that Dave was looking straight in his eyes and he couldn’t lie, he’d really felt something there. He didn’t know what, but it had infected him and he couldn’t shake it.

He really wanted to see Dave. Show off some card tricks, maybe. Would that be impressive? Probably not. Especially if he got nervous and messed it up. Or freaked out and dropped the whole deck like he’d done just now. That’d be pretty stupid.

Maybe if he did a little tour around the mall on his break he would run into Dave? It was worth a shot. He felt kind of weird about it, though. It had only been a day and it seemed that once again he was being way too eager. But hey, Jade had said to try and socialize, to go out and be friendly. Besides, he had to learn the layout of this place sooner or later, didn’t he? He could go say hi to Jade as well. Did she know Dave? Or anything about Dave? There had to be a way to ask without seeming desperate. He’d figure it out. Yeah. Perfect. It was all entirely justified. Nothing weird at all.

Before too long he closed up shop for lunch - God he wished his dad would hire someone else to work here - and headed out, all of SkaiaMall before him. He had to admit, this place was pretty terrible. It was a safe bet that the tile under his shoes was much older than he was. And a lot grimier. Yuck. Who knew what was wedged in between there? Could be anything by this point. This mall was totally haunted. John could tell; most old buildings were. But he doubted the ghosts would be interesting, probably just the disembodied silent spirits of bored shoppers. Definitely nothing malicious. What a letdown; he’d had such high hopes of paranormal phenomena turning his boring cashier job into a really cool survival-horror movie. Really, the only cool thing about this place was the fact that there was a run-down old movie theater across the parking lot. John made a mental note to check it out sometime soon. He was always up for a good film. Or a bad one. Any kind of film would do, if he was honest.

It was quiet and there weren’t many shoppers so John just strolled along unhindered. The hair salon was way down the main corridor, past what felt like miles of weird cream-colored wallpaper. He was starting to get nervous as his destination approached; would Dave be happy to see him or not? It mattered, it really did, and John had half a mind to just turn around and forget about this whole thing. Distractedly, he started messing with his hair, trying to make it lie neatly for once in his life. The effort was useless, John noted as he stared at his reflection in the shop windows he passed. Still as sloppy and stuck-up as always. Jade joked that he had perpetual bedhead and usually he didn’t care. Today was different, though. But it was already too late, he was only steps away now.

He took a deep breath and approached the salon, glancing in as casually as he could manage. Dave wasn’t there; there was a girl with short-cropped dark hair at the front desk, pressing a phone to her ear, and another with a long auburn plait down her back cutting hair, but no sign of Dave. John sighed and felt all the air empty out of his lungs. Well, that solved one problem. He didn’t have to worry about Dave’s reaction if he wasn’t around to react. Regardless, he was disappointed. This had been pretty stupid, John realized; Dave was clearly out on his lunch break and thus looking for him here was a total waste of time. It had been worth a shot, though, he thought resignedly as he scuffed his sneakers on the tile.

“Oh, hello, John.”

John glanced up to see Jade’s friend Rose at the doorway of the adjacent bookshop. Oh yeah, he remembered now - Jade had mentioned that Rose worked over here. “Hey, Rose!” he said, glad to see a familiar face. “What’s up?”

“The usual,” she smiled. “The sun and sky and clouds and such, they’re all still up last I checked.”

“Ha. Good one,” John snickered. Rose was funny in her own weird, spooky sort of way. She always had the very distinct air of knowing more than anyone else in the room somehow, and John could see her analyzing him with her sharp lilac eyes. But she was cool; at least, that’s what Jade said.

“What brings you over here?” she asked.

His stomach did a flip. “Uh…just trying to get settled and learn where everything is,” he blurted out in a rush. “That’s all. I don’t really know anyone yet, Jade said I should try and introduce myself.” He laughed nervously and shrugged. Yeah, the real reason wasn’t something he wanted to admit. A failed spying attempt was nothing to brag about.

John had the distinct impression that she could tell he was obscuring the truth somewhat, even though her words were kind: “Yes, I understand. Jade mentioned you were having some trouble integrating. Come inside, I’ll make you some tea.”

“Tea?” John questioned, following her inside the bookshop. It was small and crammed with shelves filled with a wide variety of differently-colored tomes, but aside from the overwhelming smell of old books, it was clean and tidy. Organized chaos, he supposed. “You can have tea in here?”

“Well, my mother’s name is on the deed and she tends to stash vodka in the darndest places around the property, so I figured tea was also acceptable,” Rose said lightly, pulling out a hot plate and a small kettle from behind the register. “Any preference? I have a few different types.”

“Anything’s fine,” John said. “Just put a lot of sugar in it and I’ll be okay.”

“Of course,” Rose chuckled. “You really don’t know anyone here yet?”

“Besides you and Jade, no,” John said as she poured hot water into chipped mugs, also retrieved from behind the register. “Except…I mean, I did talk to someone else yesterday.”

“Oh?” Rose prompted, dumping a heaping spoonful of sugar into one of the cups. She seemed to have an entire kitchen stashed in here.

“Yeah. But I don’t really know him. I mean, we only talked that one time.”

“Every relationship starts somewhere, John,” she advised, pushing the mug across to him. “Who was it?”

“I went to the salon next door yesterday,” John said, sipping his tea. It singed the tip of his tongue but was otherwise really good. Calming, even. He could feel his nerves settling. “The guy there cut my hair. His name’s Dave Strider. Do you know him?”

Rose’s smile grew. “Why, of course I do. He’s very dear to me.”

“Yeah?” John asked weakly. “That’s…that’s great, he was really nice and friendly.” Were they dating? The thought was shockingly devastating and he couldn’t control the very real sensation of disappointment; his stomach churned and his nerves kicked into high gear again. He shoved the mug to his lips and let the tea burn his mouth to avoid speaking.

Rose raised an eyebrow. “Dave being friendly? It’s a miracle. Or else he’s possessed. Someone should call a priest,” she said. Wait, she kind of sounded like she hated Dave or something? What was going on? John’s upward glance must have betrayed his confusion, because Rose explained, “He’s my cousin.”

John suddenly felt an enormous weight lift from his shoulders and he coughed on his tea. “Oh! I thought…okay. You guys are related?”

“Yes, I’ve known him all my life. Woe to me, but I’ve found ways to cope,” she replied. But there was some mischievous gleam in her eyes, again, as if she knew something he didn’t. Or knew something she wasn’t supposed to. “What did you think of him?”

“I…uh. Well like I said, he was friendly. We joked around a bit when he was cutting my hair. I kinda want to get to know him better, he seems…” John fished around for the right word, and by “the right word” he meant any word that didn’t make it immediately obvious that he was nursing an embarrassing crush on the guy. Really, he had a lot of words to describe Dave. But he settled on the most innocuous one he could think of. “…interesting. I told him to come visit me at my dad’s shop.”

Rose looked pensive. “That does sound interesting. Hmm. Don’t get me wrong, he is my family and I hate to speak ill of him. But Dave has a tendency to be somewhat, oh…stand-offish. Distant. Cold, even. He didn’t seem that way to you?”

John racked his brains. At first Dave had been a bit impatient with him, but only at first! Soon enough he was joking and cracking a grin. Distant? No, not really. Only a little skittish and hesitant, maybe, as John had left. Did that count as being distant? He couldn’t even tell. “N-no…I didn’t think so,” John mumbled, staring into his mug. “I mean, I guess I could be wrong. But he’d said he’d like to visit me.” Had he been wrong about everything all along? He could have misinterpreted, just hopelessly clinging to some connection he’d perceived that wasn’t even real.

“What did he say exactly?”

“Um. I dunno. Nothing weird. Just…he said sure?” He did his best to recreate Dave’s reply. “He said, ‘Yeah, sure, cool.’ Or something like that. I don’t know, he was stammering a bit and I was leaving so I didn’t really--”

“Wait,” Rose interrupted, looking inexplicably delighted. John was starting to get annoyed; she kept making his brain run in circles. “He _stammered_?”

John nodded. “Yeah. You know, getting some of his words mixed up. He was talking really quickly too, I practically couldn’t understand him. Why do you ask?”

Rose leaned on the counter, stirring her tea with a spoon very slowly. “No reason,” she said, but her grin suggested otherwise and John was desperate to find out.

“You look like there’s a reason,” John insisted, eyes darting between Rose’s face and his tea nervously.

“Very perceptive, John,” Rose teased.

“So are you gonna tell me or not?” he went on, somewhat impudently, but at the minute he didn’t care.

“I have my theories on the matter, but it’s really not my business,” Rose responded cryptically. “I will say this: I don’t think you should be so worried about Dave. If he was behaving in such a friendly manner I’m sure he thinks well of you.”

“Really?” John asked, unable to keep the hopeful note out of his voice.

“Yes. I’m positive.” Rose sipped her tea for a minute and then went on, “My dear cousin pretends he’s very enigmatic, but he’s really not. But be patient with him. He’s a bit stubborn.”

“Stubborn?”

“And dense,” Rose added. John laughed at that and felt the tension break as Rose laughed along with him. He suddenly felt very optimistic and didn’t care that it was obvious.

“Do you think he’ll try and talk to me again? I mean, I don’t want to seem annoying.” The word that was really hovering on John’s tongue was “desperate,” but he didn’t even want to say that out loud, just in case he jinxed it or something.

“I certainly think he may. I’ll ask him when I see him, if you want,” Rose said.

“No, that’s okay!” John said quickly. “You don’t have to tell him I was asking about him at all. It’s fine.”

“Oh. In that case, I won’t breathe a word,” Rose replied. “Although it’s really no trouble…are you quite sure?”

“Yeah. Quite. Haha,” John chuckled weakly. How lame would that be, sending off Rose to be his ambassador to Dave or whatever? It’d be really lame. John was sure of it. “Well, thanks for the tea. I promised Jade I’d go see her, so I have to get going.”

“Of course,” Rose said kindly. “Stop by anytime, I love to chat.”

“Gossip, you mean. Jade says everyone gossips.”

“That’s such an ugly word, isn’t it?” she replied, laughing. “But I’ll admit it’s my one vice. So yes, stop by whenever you’d like to swap rumors.”

“Sure. Bye, Rose,” John said, and he waved and left.

His desire to see Dave only multiplied after leaving the bookshop. Rose seemed intrigued by Dave’s behavior yesterday, as if it was unusual. And she’d told him that she was sure Dave liked him. Well, she hadn’t said that _exactly_ , but it could be paraphrased that way and that was good enough. Her certainty was reassuring, considering John had just been plaguing himself with unanswerable anxious questions ever since yesterday.

Maybe he had a chance after all.

He was getting ahead of himself. Okay, so Dave didn’t dislike him. That was a very small step in the grand scheme of things. He hurried on to Jade’s pet store, part of him hoping he could glean more information from her. But he didn’t get far before he was flagged down.

“Hey! Glasses!”

John did a double-take and halted in front of the little GameStop outlet. There was a short boy with hair even messier than John’s and a furrowed brow standing in the doorway calling to him. Beyond him, John could see a taller guy at the register, leaning on the counter as he spoke to a girl with wild dark hair. Three people in that one tiny store? It seemed a bit ridiculous, but John didn’t have much time to contemplate it.

“Uh. You mean me?” John asked, glancing around quickly for anyone else with glasses in the vicinity.

“It depends. Are you John?”

“John Egbert. Yeah, that’s right,” John replied, walking over. “Who’re you?”

“Karkat Vantas,” he said, sticking out a hand to shake. “Purveyor of fine broken secondhand video games in this pathetic fucking excuse for a shopping mall.”

“Pleased to meet you,” John chuckled, shaking hands politely. “I’m Jade’s cousin, by the way. She told me to try and introduce myself. I think I’ve heard her mention your name.”

“Has she?” Karkat asked, eyebrows raised.

“Mmhmm, I remember. It’s kind of a distinctive name.”

“Ugh. It’s a family name, get off my case,” Karkat grumbled. “You look like Harley, actually. I should have guessed. Damn, Dave’s gonna be pissed that I was out of the loop on this one.”

“Huh?” John asked, giving a start at the mention of Dave’s name. “Who’s gonna be pissed?”

“My friend Dave Strider. He was in here a while ago asking about you. Looking for rumors or somesuch, I dunno. Didn’t have any dirt on you to give him, so you can rest easy,” Karkat explained.

John’s heartbeat was suddenly very loud in his head and he couldn’t seem to stop hearing it, his mind was in a haze. _Asking about you, asking about you, he was asking about you…_

“Oh. I mean, um…” His mouth had gone dry.

“Yeah, I guess that’s a little weird,” Karkat admitted. “But I figure you have a right to know. He’s kind of a cryptic douche but he’s harmless, don’t sweat it. So you still trying to settle in? Make sure to breathe in all the noxious mall fumes, I’m positive there’s exposed asbestos around here somewhere.”

John was unsure whether Karkat was joking or not and coughed awkwardly. “Uh. Alright?”

“See, you don’t know how shit works around here, so let me give you the basics,” Karkat started. “You can thank me later. This mall is staffed with assholes, idiots, and losers. Only desperate people shop here.” A shopper walking by glared as he spoke and Karkat didn’t seem to notice. “Everyone knows everyone’s business, so if you wanna keep secrets, just don’t. Strider and Feferi and Kanaya cut hair at the salon, Rose Lalonde’s next door to them, Terezi’s at the blindingly-bright candy shop and her twin sister Vriska manages the Hot Topic. Dave’s alright, Kanaya and Fef are cool, Terezi means well most of the time. Do not associate yourself with Vriska, though, she’s trouble. And don’t let her start complaining about her job to you because she’ll never fucking stop. Eridan works at American Apparel and he’s a complete shitlord, I don’t know why I hang out with that jackass but oh well, I guess _someone’s_ gotta be his friend.” John’s head was spinning as Karkat counted on his fingers and kept going: “Gamzee works at the food court. Do not ever eat food at someplace he works.”

“Never? Why?”

“He’ll set it on fire. But he cycles between the food stands every week, so just be patient. Mall security zooms around on a segway and he’ll leave you alone as long as you don’t litter. You can’t miss him, he’s got a greasy hair-curtain attached to his cranium and he sweats constantly. Dunno _how_ , considering he never so much as walks anywhere. He might actually be attached to the scooter, no one’s really sure. Uh, who else…oh yeah, and you know Jade, obviously. She’s got two incompetents working for her, Tavros and Nepeta, but they’re fine, they just hate working. And…that’s pretty much it. You’ll meet everyone soon enough.” Karkat concluded his rant with a curt nod. “Anything else?”

“Who are they?” John asked, pointing to the boy and girl at the register.

“Oh. Them.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Sollux and Aradia. They’re busy being totally disgusting instead of doing any _fucking work_!” He shouted the last two words over his shoulder angrily and Sollux flipped him off without even taking his eyes off Aradia.

“Both of them work here?”

“Huh? No, just Sollux. Aradia’s only hovering around.”

“Where does she work?”

“She works at--” Karkat stopped himself abruptly, brow furrowed even more and mouth twisted in confusion. “Actually, I don’t know. I barely talk to her, she’s got eyes for Sollux. Somehow. Even though he’s a total four-eyed shitstain half the time. Hey, Megido! Where do you work?”

Aradia glanced over and shrugged, her smile radiant yet somehow unsettling at the same time. “Someplace,” she answered vaguely.

“That’s great. Really responsive. I’m so glad to get a clear answer,” Karkat retorted. “See what I have to put up with? Absolutely fucking ridiculous.” He glanced at Aradia again. “You do work around here, right? At the mall?”

“Sometimes.”

“Alright, you can go to hell, I don’t even care,” Karkat grumbled, and gave John a critical look. “Welcome to SkaiaMall. All we sell here is bullshit.”

John wasn’t entirely sure that Karkat was intending to be funny but his vernacular was pretty hilarious, so he laughed and said, “Thanks for the tip.”

“I do my best to assist the poor unfortunate souls,” Karkat replied, crossing his arms. “It’s a heavy burden but I’m the only one who can.”

“Hey, Karkat, I’m pretty sure you have work to do. No time to idle around talking to newbies,” Sollux called.

Karkat rounded on him furiously and stomped back into the store. “Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Captor! You’ve been babbling to your ladylove for hours, so don’t start telling _me_ to--”

“Shut up, I’m working! I’m at the register! You can’t even _work_ the register, so don’t start with me.”

“You never taught me, asswipe!”

“I did! You’re just fucking awful at it!”

“I swear on my miserable life I’m gonna--!!” John found this an appropriate time to take his leave. He was kind of disappointed though; he’d wanted to ask more about Dave. More specifically, ask about what Dave was asking about.

His mind was stuck on that, on the fact that Dave had been making inquiries. _About me. He was asking about me!_ Asking what, though? He was dying to know. It certainly meant Dave was at least somewhat interested in him, didn’t it? Yes. It had to. It _had_ to, and he broke into an uncontrollable smile at the prospect.

He hurried along to the pet shop to find Jade unpacking a comically large musket from a postal box and sighing. “Going hunting?” he asked.

She turned and smiled. “I wish. Grandpa hoards the best stuff for himself,” she said, letting the gun fall back into the box and sending packing peanuts flying everywhere. “What’s up?”

John shrugged. “Nothing, really. I was trying to be friendly like you told me - I talked to Rose and then that guy Karkat at the GameStop introduced himself to me. So pretty good, all in all!” he told her, unable to keep from grinning.

“You look real happy about it. _Too_ happy. What else happened?” Jade questioned playfully, hands on her hips.

“Nothing, I promise!” John insisted quickly. “I’m…I think I’m starting to get settled here. And that’s nice. I’m glad about it.”

“Well, okay then. But I’m still very suspicious of you, cuz.” Jade ripped open another box; the ammunition casings within rattled as their container shook. “Actually, it’s funny you come in now. One of my friends was just here asking about you.”

John’s heart skipped a couple beats. “Oh?” he asked, trying to sound casual. “Who?”

“Guess,” Jade teased.

“I have no idea. Tell me,” John said, but he had a funny feeling he knew.

“You sure?” she asked, turning her head to look at him. “Just one little guess won’t hurt.”

“Well, I mean, I did go get my hair cut in the salon here yesterday and chatted with the hairdresser. His name was Dave. Was it him?” John asked tentatively.

“Bingo!” Jade affirmed, and John felt his knees turn to jelly for a minute. Dave had asked Jade about him too? Had he just toured around asking everyone he could? No way, that was totally outlandish. But what if he had? It was becoming more and more likely, he had to admit. This didn’t seem so deluded anymore. Dave had to like him, right? Not in a weird way! Just a friendly way. Probably. Or maybe not? He was little bit frightened of how much he wanted the answer to be the latter. He thought again of the shape of Dave’s eyes and those loose strands of hair on his brow and was very acutely aware of how badly he wanted to be that close to him again. No, closer. As close as possible.

_Jeez._

“That’s funny, Karkat told me the same thing,” John said, barely even thinking straight.

“Yeah, I figured. Karkat’s almost as bad at rumor-mongering as Rose,” Jade laughed. “Dave said he’d asked around about you, it makes sense he’d go to Karkat.”

John couldn’t even breathe. “What did he want?” he asked weakly. _I want him to want me._ The thought rose unbidden from the back of his mind and it burned within him like a wildfire, he was consumed by it and he hadn’t fully realized how much he was wrapped up in this guy he’d only known for a day. Every cliché from every romcom was happening inside his head at once. He could practically hear the romantic soundtrack swelling in the background.

Wow, he could be a total loser sometimes.

“Oh, he was just curious. I only told him nice things, don’t worry. I think he wants to be friends but he’s too much of a dweeb to say it,” Jade said. “I told him where the joke shop was and he said he would maybe visit tomorrow?”

John blinked hard. “Tomorrow?”

“Too soon? Sorry. I can tell him--?”

“No, no, it’s okay! Don’t worry. Tomorrow’s fine,” John assured her. _Don’t send him away don’t give him a reason to be distant don’t don’t don’t…_

“Starved for company?” Jade asked kindly.

“You could say that,” John replied. It wasn’t really a lie. He was starved for company. Dave Strider’s company in particular, but there was no need to mention that. “So, anything I ought to know about him?”

“About Dave? He’s nice deep down inside. Just kinda hard to get to know. If you can get him going he opens up more. Cusses a lot, composes music, writes a bit, does some photography, I think? I don’t really know for sure. He’s shy about a lot of stuff. Which is weird because he’s also really outgoing? Once he starts talking he doesn’t stop. I guess he just doesn’t like talking about personal stuff.” Jade shrugged. “He seems interested in you, though, so you probably won’t run into many problems.”

“How interested?” John blurted out before he could stop himself, and Jade gave him a critical look.

“What?”

“Uh, I mean…do you really think so?” _Nice save there, Egbert. Smooth._

“Hey, it’s not every day he goes snooping around for gossip,” Jade laughed. “I’d say he’s pretty interested. Why, what do you think of him?”

“He was nice yesterday. I thought he was funny. I was hoping we could hang out, you know?” John said. He was tiptoeing dangerously close to divulging more than he ought to and he could tell Jade was suspicious. He wasn’t very good at lying or concealing his feelings whatsoever, but he had to hide this. It was mortifying to be so head-over-heels and he was positive Jade would laugh. He tried to change the topic: “Does he always wear those sunglasses?”

Jade scoffed. “Yeah, everyone thinks they’re glued to his face. I’ve never seen him without them.”

“Oh. It’s kinda weird to not be able to make eye contact. But maybe I’m crazy.”

“That’s Dave for you,” Jade said with a shrug. “A real man of mystery. And also of dumb shades.” She glanced out the window and laughed. “Hey, speak of the devil! There he goes.”

John spun around entirely too quickly to see Dave himself living up to his surname and determinedly striding past the store with his hands jammed in his hoodie pockets and his head down. John almost called out to him, but he was all the way across the wide main hall of the mall complex, and besides, he didn’t look like he wanted to talk anyway. There was a very distinct sense of agitation about him. Maybe it was in the way his shoulders were hunched over, or in the tight unsmiling line of his mouth, or perhaps because he was speed-walking with his sneakers pounding the tile floor so hard that every step was audible. Even as he vanished from sight John could hear his footfalls echoing in the distance.

John stared after him and felt his stomach twist into knots. He should have said something! He totally could have gotten Dave’s attention and said hello, at least. But honestly he didn’t even know what to say, or if he had anything to say at all. His larynx seemed to have shriveled up and died within seconds.

“Wow. I wonder what he’s so pissed about?” Jade asked, following John’s gaze.

“Maybe he was in a hurry,” John said with a shrug, finding his voice again. He wondered if he’d only been barely avoiding bumping into Dave for the last hour and frowned. That sounded really stupid but he was almost positive that’s what had happened.

“You should’ve said hi!” Jade said, punching John’s arm.

“Ow! No, it’s okay. You said he looked pissed, why would I bother him?” John snapped indignantly.

“Maybe he was pissed because he tried to go talk to you and you weren’t there,” Jade laughed.

“Huh? What do you…that’s ridiculous, why would he--?” John was stammering like Dave had been yesterday and he had the very distinct impression that Jade knew too much somehow. Wow, what was the deal with girls around here? They were all mind readers, first Rose and now Jade too. Maybe Karkat was right and there was some weird chemical in the air around here that made people telepathic. Maybe soon they could all join the X-Men or something. That’d be so awesome. Shit, no, he was getting distracted now. Focus.

“Well, he was coming from the direction of the joke shop, wasn’t he? It’s possible,” Jade said, her tone reasonable but her expression teasing. She had a point there. What else was around that end of the mall? Nothing much. Just the shop and a fountain and an exit to the parking lot. Dave had little purpose to be over there. Except to visit as he had promised to do.

Maybe Dave hadn’t been agitated, per se, but instead more like…disappointed?

John really should have stopped him, if only to see how he’d react. Or just to look at his face up close again, or hear his voice, or try and count all those scattered freckles across his nose. Anything. Any interaction with him would have been enough to ease the inexplicable aching that had opened deep inside him ever since he’d said goodbye in the doorway of the hair salon yesterday.

“Aw, don’t worry about it. See, he wants to be friends! He’ll just have to try again tomorrow,” Jade said lightly. “I’m sure he’ll show up sooner or later.”

John dearly hoped she was right. In a daze, he bid Jade goodbye without bothering to introduce himself to her employees and took up his post at the shop again.

Tomorrow. Jade said Dave would try again tomorrow. Surprisingly, John was more excited than nervous - in fact, he was more nervous that Dave wouldn’t actually show up, because he knew he’d be extremely let down. He wanted to see Dave so badly that he couldn’t even contain it and it was kind of overwhelming. But John would be ready. He had to be ready.

He smiled, pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, and started practicing card tricks behind the register again. Wouldn’t hurt to have something to break the ice, after all. The cards arced perfectly in his hands; he imagined Dave being incredibly impressed and his smile grew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to Connecticon this week!!! i likely won't be around to answer comments or update the fic until next week. i'm making writing progress though which is awesome, and i'm very grateful for the kudos and comments i've gotten thus far uwu


	4. Emergency Meeting of the Flighty Broad Society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Jade can't explain why their cousins are so dumb, but they sure can gossip about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been awhile. i told myself i'd finish a chapter before posting another but it's going really slowly whoops,,,,, i'm making progress though!! i should finish that one soon and then i have some quick outlining to do. there's gaps to bridge, timelines to be established firmly, irons in the fire. so many irons. you wouldn't even believe.  
> PS writing in rose's perspective is so fun oh my god

Nothing slipped past Rose Lalonde. Especially not the fact that her cousin Dave was entirely, incontrovertibly, _unequivocally_ in love with her best friend’s cousin John.

It was so obvious. When she’d spoken to John she had picked up on his interest in Dave, but hadn’t been sure if the poor boy was just setting himself up for heartbreak. Rose had never known Dave to be particularly inclined to date, and she’d felt sorry for John for awhile and thought his hopes would end up dashed. But then came the bombshell - Dave Strider never stammered. Or, at least, never allowed himself to. He was always focused on maintaining the false coolkid persona. It made him psychologically fascinating but woefully predictable; any time he broke character was a sure sign that he was having some sort of internal emotional reaction. The fact that John had seen the façade slip meant Dave was, in that moment, focusing on something besides the maintenance of his outward demeanor. And since John was the variable in the scenario, she had been forced to theorize he himself was the reason. Dave had been thinking more about John than he’d been about his absurd poker face. It was sweet in a strange sort of way. But that was more a flaw in the gene pool than anything. The Strider-Lalonde family was hardly known for being upfront in the emotional realm.

Regardless, she hadn’t been sure until speaking to Dave himself, and of course after enthusiastically texting Jade for developments on the scenario. Once Rose had heard that Dave had been asking everyone in the mall about the mysterious and elusive ( _ha, as if_ ) John Egbert, she was positive. And talking to Dave had only given her more evidence. He’d been short-tempered and evasive, he’d had repeated emotional outbursts, he’d even started _blushing_. And then she’d gotten him stammering again. Oh, yes, Dave certainly had it bad. She’d never seen him like this.

But alas, John had made Rose promise not to mention his visit and Rose never broke her word. Anyway, it was much more fun watching Dave freak out like a lovelorn high school kid about whether or not John was interested in him. She was certain Dave was seeing the entire thing ending in the worst possible scenario; he had a tendency to think things would never work out for him. But even if she’d told him in utterly unambiguous terms that John was as infatuated with him as he was with John, Dave probably wouldn’t have believed her. It was the curse of spending one too many years messing with his head. A shame, really. It would all be so much easier. And she’d offered her advice! Dave had refused as she had expected, but the offer had been there. It was out of her hands.

At this point, there was nothing to do. Except, of course, to talk to Jade and excitedly watch this love for the ages blossom from the sidelines.

Rose went to the back office and knocked softly as she pushed the door open. “Mother? I’m going out to lunch. You have to take over the register.”

Her mom glanced up from her computer with a smile. “Sure, Rosey.”

“Do you want me to get you anything to eat?”

“No, darling, I’m good.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “What are you eating?”

“Fruit.”

“You mean wine?”

Her mother swirled her half-full glass. “It’s fruit,” she said, smiling wickedly.

“Mother!”

“I’m kidding, Rosey, I have a sandwich,” she laughed, pulling it out of her bag for Rose to see. “You’re so gullible, love.”

Rose narrowed her eyes. People often told her that she got way too much fun out of engaging in sardonic repertoire with people, but her mother had her beat any day of the week. Rose’s best mischievous grin couldn’t even hold a candle to Mom’s. “I’m merely concerned for your well-being, as always. You have a habit of living at the bottom of bottles.”

“Rosey, who’s the mother here?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I still find half-empty vodka bottles on the shelves sometimes.” But she laughed and rolled her eyes and her mother laughed along too. When she was younger her associations with Mom had been more strained, but now their relationship was one more of playful banter than passive-aggressive one-upping. This had been helped greatly when Rose had found out that Mom’s love of wizards was actually completely nonironic. They’d had more to talk about after that.

“Oh, those are just stashed for emergencies,” Mom said lightly. “You never know when you’ll need a drink.”

“Sure, Mother.”

Mom took a ladylike sip from her glass and smiled. “Have a nice lunch, dear.”

“I will.”

“Say hello to Jade for me!”

“I will.”

“And her grandfather, he’s a wonderful man.”

“He’s never in but I’ll tell Jade to pass it along.”

“Lovely. And--”

“Mother, I’m leaving now.”

“Of course, Rosey.”

With that, Rose hurried along to Jade’s pet shop and found her aiming a musket at the ceiling.

“Worried about burglars?” she asked, laughing.

“Yeah, duh. Totally terrified,” Jade replied with a grin. “Hey, if Grandpa didn’t want me to try out his new guns, he shouldn’t have forwarded them to the shop. But we have more pressing matters.” Her smile grew excitedly as she put the gun away. “I dunno how long Tavros and Nepeta will be out on their lunch break so it’s gotta be fast! This is top-secret information. Anyway, John was just here. Right after Dave left. But then Dave passed by and, get this, he was totally coming from the direction of my uncle’s joke shop.”

“So he did try and visit. Huh. I’m almost impressed, I didn’t think he had it in him. Regardless, I made him promise to try again tomorrow. Just as a little incentive. He’ll go just to defend his pride.”

“Or at least he’ll try, if he’s not swooning too hard to walk straight,” Jade giggled. “John wanted to talk to him when he walked by but he chickened out. Made a ton of dumb excuses.” She made a face and threw her voice to imitate John. “Bluh bluh, that’s _ridiculous_ , why should I _bother_ him?”

“Are you really surprised?”

“Ugh, no, not at all. Just disappointed.”

“They’re going to orbit each other for ages before one of them actually makes a move. It will be a long and frustrating process.”

Jade sighed loudly. “Sooooo lame.”

“I tried to help. Dave wouldn’t listen to my advice,” Rose said with a shrug.

“Like that’s stopped you before!” Jade exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

“This is different. I don’t think it proper to interfere in other people’s interpersonal relations. I analyze my subjects on individual basis only,” Rose said haughtily. “I run a professional amateur psychoanalysis gambit, thank you very much.”

“So what did John tell you?” Jade asked, not even bothering to respond to that little lecture.

“He made it very plain that he was interested. I implied that Dave wasn’t a particularly friendly person and described him as stand-offish and John became deeply disappointed. But when I started saying otherwise he kept prodding at me for further details in a way I’m sure he intended to be casual.”

“Dave did that too. He was totally trying to play it off but I could tell it meant a lot to him.”

“There’s also the fact that Dave made it obvious by interrogating everyone we know in this mall for information about John. I’m surprised no one got waterboarded, quite frankly. He’s quite determined when he’s got a particular goal in mind,” Rose said.

“Yeah, and that goal just so happens to be getting lucky with John,” Jade grinned.

“Precisely. He’ll be absurdly coy about it because he doesn’t do well with _feelings_ and such,” Rose said, rolling her eyes and forming airquotes around the word “feelings,” and finished, “but he’ll get it done. At least I think so.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me he’d already met John! He made it sound like he’d only seen him or something,” Jade said indignantly, crossing her arms.

“Again, are you really surprised?”

“I mean…yeah you’re right, I’m not. But doesn’t he realize acting so suspicious just makes him seem, y’know, _really_ suspicious?”

“I have been trying for many years to decode the contradictory nature of Dave Strider’s lifestyle choices to little avail. These things are obvious to sensible people like you and me, Jade, but you fail to realize Dave is, to use the clinical term, a dumb boy. At least in terms of sentiment.” Rose sighed; she was ever so burdened.

“Well, John thinks he’s funny,” Jade smiled.

“That’s one way of putting it, I suppose. I’m glad his bizarre sense of humor has found a willing audience at last,” Rose said.

“Please. Don’t act as if John’s sense of humor isn’t just as weird. He just spews pop culture references and magic tricks like they’re going out style. In fact, they already are out of style, no one’s bothered to tell him. I bet he’ll pull some card tricks on Dave when he finally visits.”

“Oh dear, anything but the cards. Remember when he flipped his whole deck halfway across your living room? He was so indignant about it.”

“He laughed eventually!”

“Yes, approximately three months later. I’m sure it won’t be a problem, though, Dave’s so smitten that he’d be impressed even if John somehow lit the deck on fire.”

“Oh man, I wish I could watch them talk tomorrow. I bet it’ll be hilarious.”

“You know you can’t,” Rose said sagely. “You’ll scare them into being even more shy and dweeby than they’re already inevitably bound to be.”

“Yeah, true. Oh, did I tell you how John asked about Dave’s shades? He mentioned that he wished he could make eye contact.” Once again she did her absurd John impression, flailing her arms around wildly: “Oh, Jade, does he _always_ wear those sunglasses? I want to stare longingly into his eyes, but I _caaaaan’t_.”

“How precious,” Rose said derisively, and the two of them dissolved into giggles. “My, my, John’s expecting to see Dave Strider sans ironic eyewear? Next he’ll be looking for a smile. And he’ll end up sorely disappointed.”

“Dave would totally smile for him, though!” Jade insisted. “If he thought John would like it. He’s in full-on crush mode, after all.”

“But the shades…?”

“Hmm. Maybe not.”

“And it wouldn’t be a real smile, just a pseudo-smile. One of those vague coolkid half-smiles where one corner of his mouth turns slightly upwards and he claims it counts as a fond gesture.”

“So lame!!”

“It really is.”

“John’ll flash those buck teeth for Dave any old time he asks, though. Or when he doesn’t ask. Just whenever. And he’s not exactly bad-looking! He’s blessed with good genes from my side of the family. Maybe Dave will smile with both corners of his mouth then.”

“That, Jade, will be a day for the history books. I’ll put the media on standby.”

There was a knock at the doorway and Rose turned to see Karkat Vantas standing there.

“Oh. Hey, Rose. I thought I heard someone else talking. Let me guess: we’re shittalking Strider?” Karkat said, strolling in.

“However did you guess?” Rose teased.

“I heard the word coolkid. Not that fucking hard to figure out.”

“Hello, Karkat,” Jade said about ten seconds too late, as if she’d forgotten how to emit proper greetings. Rose looked between the two of them suspiciously but they both immediately picked up on what she was doing and forced themselves to be casual.

“Afternoon, Jade,” Karkat said in an almost formal manner. “Brought you lunch. I know you can’t ditch this place without Tavros and Nepeta turning it into a goddamn crime scene like the immature little pricks they are.” The explanation seemed to be more for Rose’s benefit than anything; Jade hardly seemed surprised by Karkat’s arrival. _Interesting_.

“Oh! Thank you. Yeah, they’re kind of…” At that exact moment Equius Zahhak sped by on his segway with Nepeta clinging to his back and wearing his official SkaiaMall security officer cap, screeching as they hurried along at around two miles an hour.

“ _Onward, my steed!!_ ” Nepeta shrieked.

“Nepeta, please. There are people here. I said you could accompany me on my rounds provided you behaved yourself, but--”

Terezi appeared out of nowhere and also hopped on the segway. “For justice!” she called out valiantly, and Nepeta high-fived her with a cry of “Fuck yeah!”

“This machine cannot accommodate another passenger. Pyrope, I must ask you to disembark or I’ll be forced to write you a citation,” Equius threatened but Terezi didn’t care, she went on making a commotion even as the segway sputtered under the added weight. “And Nepeta, watch your language, there are children here.” He stared pointedly at Karkat, who looked livid.

“That’s not a child, that’s just Karkat,” Nepeta informed him.

“Fuck off! I’m not even that short, you perpetually-perspiring twisted dickwad!” Karkat snapped viciously.

“Ah. I see. Carry on, then.”

By now they had cleared the forefront of the pet shop and revved away into the distance.

Jade sighed heavily. “Well, I can’t exactly tell her what to do on her lunch break.”

“No one’s forcing you to employ the crazy cat girl,” Karkat reminded her.

“She’s good with the kittens!” Jade insisted.

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Your payroll’s needlessly burdened by those leeches, I swear. But whatever.”

“You aren’t that short, by the way,” Jade added kindly. Rose raised an eyebrow and Jade glared at her.

“Yeah, yeah,” Karkat grumbled, but he seemed distinctly pleased. Or at least marginally less rancorous than usual. Rose’s mind was working at triple speed. Not that it was particularly difficult to figure out what was going on here; she was mostly wondering why it’d taken her this long to notice. “Anyway. Food. For you. Uh…yeah. The end.”

“It’s very nice of you, Karkat. I didn’t think you were one for heartfelt favors,” Rose commented carefully. But she couldn’t help grinning in the snidest fashion possible. She was much too delighted with meddling in other people’s affairs.

Karkat ran a hand through his hair distractedly. “I’m not gonna let her starve herself to supervise her incompetents. They’re not worth that,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Besides, Sollux and Aradia are mooning all over each other at my store. It’s stifling, I’d do anything to get the fuck away for two seconds. If I have to hear one more cheesy video game-themed pick-up line, I swear to fucking god…”

“Do they act like that often?” Rose asked.

“Ugh. Yeah. Every time she’s around. And technically Sollux is the manager so I can’t do shit about it. That fucking prick. He knows I can’t do anything so he just acts even more disgusting to spite me. He’s the worst friend ever. You know what, scratch that, I actually have worse friends. Joy to me.”

“Does Aradia do any work there? Ever?” Rose asked, chuckling.

“She doesn’t even work there, so no.”

Both Rose and Jade were startled. “Seriously?” Rose asked.

“Everyone thinks she works there,” Jade chimed in; she was holding the food Karkat had handed her very carefully as if it was an exotic gift, Rose noted.

“Well, thank fucking god she doesn’t. She shows up a lot, that’s all. Isn’t actually employed,” Karkat explained.

“Where does she work?” Rose asked.

“Couldn’t tell you. I honestly have no idea. I’ll try and ask Sollux if he ever stops swooning and vomiting up love poems from his miserable throat-chute.” He glanced at his watch. “Fuck. I gotta head back, unfortunately. Bye, Jade.” He paused. “Oh. And you too, Rose,” he said after a minute, as if he’d only just remembered that she was also in the room.

Rose observed a very clear hesitant, aborted motion that indicated Jade wanted to move closer to say her goodbyes and Karkat echoed her, but both glanced furtively at Rose out of the corners of their eyes and seemed to telepathically decide otherwise. So Karkat merely waved, then turned heel and departed.

“Well, well, well, Harley. Seems like you’ve got an _admirer_ ,” Rose said in a singsong voice the instant Karkat was out of sight.

Jade rolled her eyes but she was blushing. “Karkat’s nice! Really! Kind of loud, sure, but he’s not as bad as he seems. All bark no bite, y’know?” she explained lightly, shrugging.

“Mmhmm. I’m sure this is strictly platonic.”

“He’s…” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled shyly. “...he’s sweet. I dunno.”

Rose raised both eyebrows as high as she could manage. “He’s _sweet_?” she repeated.

“Well…!”

“Karkat? Who works at GameStop? And gossips as badly as I do? And swears at everything and anything at the slightest provocation? And never seems to have anything nice to say about anyone? That boy is _sweet_?”

“Yeah! I know he doesn’t seem it, but he actually is,” Jade insisted, laughing. “Deep down inside he’s a really good guy.”

“I still haven’t learned to expect the unexpected,” Rose said. “Although I suppose I should have known that blustering chatterbox was actually a big softie at heart. That seems to be the way it always goes. So, are you two official? Or is it more of an awkward, coquettish flirting situation?”

“Uh.”

“Jade, don’t tell me you’re picking up romantic habits from your cousin now.”

“Hey, it’s not that bad! He just…hasn’t asked me out yet. Officially, that is. We talk pretty much every day, though. He’s shy. I don’t want to rush him.”

“Jade, I’m losing my grip on reality here,” Rose said, pressing her fingers to her temples as if she had a particularly bad migraine. “Now you’re telling me the loudmouth’s an introvert. I’ve never had to ask Karkat for his opinion on anything, he’s hardly reserved about his feelings.”

“He’s shy about stuff that counts. I guess. I don’t know! He’s weird and frustrating sometimes, but all the sweet things about him kind of…outweigh that?” Jade was fussing with the ends of her hair now. “And he’s really cute. I can’t help it.”

Rose sighed exaggeratedly and Jade shot her a dirty look. “Don’t tell me you don’t get swoony over Kanaya. I had to listen to all those long rambling poems you wrote about the curve of her nose or whatever,” Jade scoffed.

“That is different.”

“How?”

“Kanaya Maryam is an exquisite woman worthy of more reams of poetry than I could ever hope to write. Karkat Vantas flips off customers and co-workers with impunity while talking about what, quote, “total assfaced shitlords” they are. It’s very different.”

“Pffft. Whatever you say, Rose.”

Rose cracked a smile. “Alright, alright, I’m joking. That sounds lovely, I’m glad for the both of you. But Jade, you must realize by now that boys are very silly creatures. I suggest you ask him out yourself instead of waiting for him to tiptoe over to you. I’m afraid you’re somewhat of an intimidating girl, especially to the soft-hearted delicate flower that apparently is Karkat Vantas,” Rose said.

“Me? Intimidating?”

“I walked in here to see you pointing a gun around indiscriminately.”

“It was a musket! And it wasn’t even loaded!” Jade said indignantly, as if the make of the gun and the state of its ammunition were crucial in the matter.

Rose broke down into laughter. “You’re wonderful, Jade. A real treasure to the human race. I would be lost without you.”

Jade grinned, her ire almost immediately forgotten. “Yeah, because no one else would listen to you.”

“Oh, hush.” She glanced at her watch. “Well, time waits for no one. My poor mother will start to worry if I don’t go back soon.”

“Be sure to give Dave one of those freaky all-knowing looks as you pass by the hair salon. It’ll unnerve him.”

Rose considered for a minute. “Hmm. I should repeat something he told you, just to really frighten him. So he knows we’re both in the loop on this,” she said thoughtfully.

“Ooh! Good idea! Uh…” Jade’s smile fell. “He hardly even said anything unusual. It was just all in the way he was acting.”

“Typical,” Rose said, rolling her eyes. “I’ll just tell him you say hello. He’s so on edge that it’ll probably be enough to get the message across.”

“Sounds good!” They hugged and Rose went off.

Dave was sweeping in the hair salon and she called, “Jade says hello, Dave. I just had an absolutely lovely conversation with her.”

She saw him flinch and he scowled at her.

“Glad you had a nice fuckin’ tea party, Lalonde. Really. I’m thrilled,” he shot back.

“We had so very much to talk about,” Rose went on, deliberately prodding him.

“Yeah, I bet the Flighty Broad Society always has a full itinerary,” Dave grumbled, making a very concerted effort to act like he didn’t care as per usual. But he wasn’t really reacting. How disappointing.

“Extremely full. There’s a lot to keep up on, lots of information to be stitched together into one cohesive understanding of events as they occur,” she went on. Now she was being woefully deliberate and pointedly obvious. Usually she was better than this. But she was mainly trying to see just how far she could push him before he got emotionally volatile and started babbling again. That was when she could pry real information from him.

“Look, Lalonde, I’m clearly super busy, so go yammer at your mom or whoever the fuck else, I don’t care.”

“Perhaps I’ll talk to John Egbert instead.”

That got him. Finally. The broom slipped from his hands for a second and he recovered quickly, but not quickly enough to be unnoticeable. “Wow, yeah, that’s a great plan. You’ll send him running scared from this shitstain of a mall before the week’s up. Poor guy won’t even get to eat at the Taco Bell since Gamzee’s on shift there til Friday.”

“And I’m sure you’ll be sorely displeased by his absence.”

“Did I fucking say anything like that?” Dave snapped. “Nah, I don’t believe I did. You’re just making shit up to try and fuck with me. Too bad, I don’t care.”

Rose smiled and Dave’s scowl deepened. “You’ll see him tomorrow, though. So you’ll have that fond memory to look back upon when I inevitably cause his abrupt departure with my mad tea parties,” she said, reminding him carefully of the promise he’d made. No harm in a little extra motivation, as she’d said to Jade.

“I swear I’m gonna tell your mom on you. She should know her daughter’s a total jackass.”

“She’ll be delighted to hear of my exploits in jackassery. I’m sure your account will be nothing if not eloquent.” Dave pointedly turned his back on her, saying something, likely a long string of swear words and vague threats to burn her notebooks in a bonfire, under his breath. The conversation had plainly ended.

“Hello, Kanaya,” Rose said sweetly, redirecting her attention. “You look radiant as always.”

“Kanaya, Rose is making fun of me. Make her stop,” Dave cut in. “She’s interfering with my extremely important work.”

“Hmm. I think I’ll let it slide this time,” Kanaya said, smiling demurely at Rose. “Try and focus more, Dave.”

“I’ll continue focusing on you, for my part,” Rose flirted, and was quite pleased by the rush of color that flooded Kanaya’s cheeks. She was a beautiful girl, even without considering her equally lovely personality. She could be sweet one moment and devastatingly sardonic the next. Rose had never been so in love. However, at the moment, she was also late getting back to work - gossiping with Jade ate up so much time, so she was forced to bid Kanaya adieu. Dave was still muttering darkly off in the corner with his broom as she left. He just made it so easy to get under his skin, Rose reflected as she headed back to her station at the bookshop.

The next few weeks would be fun. She could tell.


	5. Bachelor's Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps romance is in the cards for Dave. No, wait, that's stupid, jesus christ he's just gonna go hang out with the guy, not make out with him. He's totally not thinking about making out with him now. Nope. Shut up.

Dave tugged on the strings of his hoodie nervously. The sun was shining, the mall was quiet, and his stomach had run away to join the Cirque du Soleil and was doing backflips incessantly like a fucking pro. He had been trying to calm down all damn day but his brain kept dredging up all these stupid thoughts and making his heart go at a thousand miles an hour against his rib cage.

He was gonna go see John Egbert today. He felt like he was in a fever dream. Part of him was excited, part of him wanted to ascend to a higher plane of reality and abandon the mortal coil completely, and part of him wouldn’t stop obsessing with his hair and his hoodie and kept critically eyeing his reflection in the mirror at every opportunity. He caught himself readjusting his bangs for the millionth time and shoved his hand in his pocket. Fucking _stop that._

Rose had stopped in earlier and she hadn’t said much, but she totally knew about everything somehow. No, worse, she was acting like she knew _more_ than him now. No idea how, but she was always about five steps ahead of him so it was pretty par for the course.

The minutes were ticking by absurdly fast. Dave hadn’t been able to eat breakfast (he’d brushed his teeth five times in a row instead) and he’d grabbed some apple juice just for the sugar hit, but his mouth was too dry for him to taste anything. Who did John Egbert think he was, anyway, ruining some perfectly good AJ like that? Shit was straight-up heretical.

Dave was nursing this crush so hard he might as well just put on scrubs and clock in for a shift at St. Hopeless’s Hospital for Poor Souls Beyond All Help. At least then he’d have proper medical insurance. Was there even a patron saint for lovelorn morons? Did Jesus give a fuck about swooning losers working in malls? And now he was rambling in his own head. Fucking incredible. Brilliant, really.

The clock was racing so fast it belonged in a NASCAR qualifier, ready to flip around the last turn and explode. It wasn’t natural. Someone must have upended normal temporal rules. That bastard.

“Dave, aren’t you going out?” Feferi asked out of nowhere.

“Huh?” Dave gave a start and spun around. He’d been messing with his hair again and he hadn’t even realized. Fuuuuuuck. “Oh. Is it time already?”

“Wow, amazing. I never thought I’d see the day that Dave would stay at work longer than he had to,” Kanaya teased. “It’s remarkable.”

“I’m wildly unpredictable, you know,” Dave replied, trying desperately to sound like himself. “No one can get a read on me.”

“No one at all,” Kanaya said, her tone overwhelmingly derisive. “Yes, I’m well aware of how enigmatic you are.”

“Watch it, you’re starting to talk like Rose,” Dave shot back.

“Aww, you are! That’s so adorable,” Feferi gushed, and Dave was grateful for the interjection. He stepped out as Feferi began to demand all the latest details from Kanaya about her romantic liaisons.

It really wasn’t that far to the joke shop. But Dave took his fucking time, fussing with his hoodie sleeves all the way there. _Should I roll them up or leave them down? Which looks better? Why does it fucking matter? Just leave them down. No, look, they go over your hands when you have them like that. Now they’re all stretched out from getting rolled up, they look awful, you can’t leave them down. Roll them up. God, you look like such a douche, I can’t even believe this shit._

He shoved the sleeves back over his elbows and stared at his feet. He’d always been good at masking his emotions, so surely he could do it again today. What was the big deal? John Egbert was just a guy, albeit a very cute and sweet one…shit no that was making him nervous, scratch that. He was just another person. That was all. Remember that and nothing else. Definitely don’t think about his ear-to-ear grin or those impossibly blue eyes. Especially not. Fuck, he was thinking about them. With a great effort, Dave set his jaw, unfurrowed his brow, and soon arrived at the storefront. He took one last deep steadying breath and walked in, managing to fight back a last-second urge to wimp out.

John was standing at the counter messing around with a deck of cards, completely absorbed. Dave stood there awkwardly for a minute, waiting to be noticed. Finally he cleared his throat and mumbled, “Uh. Hey, John.”

John glanced over and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Oh! Hi!” he exclaimed, beaming. The deck he was holding abruptly rocketed out of his hands and drifted to the floor, all scattered in different directions. “Shit, there go the cards.”

“Watch it, Houdini,” Dave commented with a scoff, stepping forward to sweep the cards up. John had mirrored him and soon they were both crouching on the floor playing an impromptu 52-pickup.

“Sorry. I swear I’m not like this normally, I know how to shuffle and junk.”

“Nah, it’s cool.” John’s fingers brushed against Dave’s for a split second and his heart skipped a beat. “Got ‘em all?”

“Yeah, I think so.” John thumbed through the misshapen deck quickly and shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. We have a ton of them anyway.”

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” Dave started apologetically.

“No, don’t worry about that! I was just…” He shrugged again and smiled. “I wasn’t expecting you, is all.”

Dave stood and pulled John up by his free hand; he set the deck down on the counter and his smile grew and Dave felt his knees go weak. “I said I’d come by, didn’t I?” he said, trying his damndest to keep his voice even. “And I’m good on my word.”

“I’m not used to anyone coming in, to be honest,” John said. “It’s been dead in here from day one. But whatever. Welcome to Prankster’s Gambit!” He spread his arms wide. “Ta-da, I guess.”

“That’s what the place is called? I couldn’t read that sign to save my life. Too many colors,” Dave said, staring around. The space was small but practically every square inch was covered with prank shit, from magic kits to trick peanut cans. Every absurd gimmicky thing under the sun seemed to be here somewhere.

“Ugh, yeah, I know. It gives me a migraine,” John agreed. “But my dad insisted and he can be pretty inflexible sometimes.”

“What were you doing with those cards, anyway? You know tricks?”

John somehow looked even more excited at the question. “Yeah, totally! I’m really good, watch this.” He straightened out the deck, shuffled, and then splayed out the cards. “Pick one.”

“Seriously?” Dave asked, snickering. “You really are Houdini.”

“Houdini did card tricks, that’s how he got famous. He only did the escape tricks later. This is completely legit, dude,” John maintained adamantly.

“Alright, sure.” He yanked out a card; King of Hearts. _Wow, alright. Of course it has to be that suit. Totally fucking ridiculous._

“Got it?” John asked.

“Yup.”

“Okay, put it back and I’ll pick it out.”

Dave put the card into the deck, crossed his arms, and raised an eyebrow. “You will not.”

“I definitely will!”

“You have a one-in-52 shot,” he pointed out. “Not particularly good odds.”

“Never tell me the odds. Besides, you don’t need odds when you have magic,” John asserted as he shuffled. He deliberated between the cards for a moment, and then plucked out the King of Hearts. “Hmm?”

Dave stared incredulously. “Bullshit.”

“Ha! I told you I’d do it!” John cheered, grinning smugly.

“No fuckin’ way.”

“Except I just did it. So there.”

Alright, that’d actually been kind of cool. And, admittedly, Dave liked seeing John in his element like this. His hands moved in such a captivating way. But he had to be careful not to be too impressed. That would obviously be a disaster. He couldn’t think up any sort of justification for this, aside from the fact that acting aloof was guaranteed to disguise his mad infatuation while complimenting John might lead to a highway pileup of further stammered accolades. There was a stark difference between applauding his party tricks and loudly swooning over his smile and Dave was afraid once he got going he wouldn’t be able to stop.

So instead he scoffed and said, “Calm down, Mr. Sleight of Hand. You probably just saw the reflection of the card in my shades. No magic there.”

John looked mildly indignant. “I did no such thing. Don’t sully my impeccable reputation,” he retorted.

“Nah, that’s definitely what happened. I know how this shit works. Magic’s all gimmicks and chicanery or whatever. Can’t fool me.”

“Then take off your dumb shades and I’ll do it again!”

Shit. Dave supposed he’d kind of walked into that one. “Uh…you don’t have to--”

“No, now I have to prove it to regain my honor. Hand ‘em over,” John said stubbornly, gesturing with his free hand.

“Okay, okay, I believe you! You don’t have to prove jack shit, I don’t care. I’m telling you right now, shades stay on. I have a very strict policy about that,” Dave insisted. John didn’t budge and merely continued glaring.

This whole aloof façade thing wasn’t working incredibly well, and losing his only tangible defense would only further the devastating annihilation of the coolkid pretense. But on the flip side, being a total dick about the issue would only make things worse, so in the end, Dave conceded. “Ugh. Christ. Fine,” he muttered, and carefully set his sunglasses in John’s open palm. Fuck, it was really bright in this goddamn mall.

“Good. Pick a card,” John said, brightening immediately. Dave did so, avoiding John’s gaze; he wasn’t sure if he could keep a straight face and make eye contact with John simultaneously. It might be beyond his ability. He pulled out a Jack of Diamonds. _Damn, what is with all these fucking face cards?_

“Your move,” Dave said, sticking it back in the deck.

“I’ll make it count,” John shot back, but he was smiling and Dave couldn’t help but watch him, as much as he tried not to. John’s eyes flicked up to meet his as his hands sorted through the cards. Shit. Fuck. He couldn’t look away, that’d be so stupid, wouldn’t it? Instead he held the gaze and he could have sworn John’s smile grew coyly and that set his heart speeding along again. Why did he have to have such nice eyes? This was ridiculous. They were even better-looking in proper light. Fucking hell.

After several long minutes of intricate shuffling and thoughtful introspection, John ended up picking the Jack of Diamonds. “So?”

Dave was silent for a moment, but then sighed and mumbled, “Yeah. Got it.”

“See? I told you! I’m the master of the sleight of hand. No peeking at reflections required,” John said, elated and laughing.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re basically a fucking wizard. Gimme back my shades.”

John rolled his eyes but handed them back and Dave retreated behind the enormous dark lenses.

“Why do you wear those, anyway? I thought only douchebags wore sunglasses indoors,” John teased, putting the cards away behind the counter.

“Light sensitivity,” Dave said casually, shrugging. “I’m very delicate, John. Also these shades are so stupid that they’re actually totally rad. It works.”

John scoffed at that. “Sure, whatever you say,” he replied, leaning on the counter. “Your eyes looked red to me. Are they really? Or are you big on fashion contact lenses?”

“Yeah, they’re real. Some weird genetic anomaly, I dunno.”

“It’s kind of badass, to be honest. Like you’re a robot or something.”

“Unfortunately, no, I’m not a Terminator. No jetpack or laser vision or whatever the fuck. That’d be fucking sweet, though.” Dave dearly wanted to repay the compliment but couldn’t think of a way to discuss John’s eyes without having another swooning fit, and he could definitely do without his brain going all stupid at the moment. So instead he opted for: “Do you just play with cards in here all day?” _Wow, what a fascinating question. Real smooth, Strider._

“Pretty much, yeah,” John answered, twisting his lips. “I told you it was super boring. Which is why I’m glad you’re here!”

“I’m happy to help pass the time,” Dave said, managing a tentative half-smile.

John rolled his eyes again. “Well, yeah, that’s always great, but I’m glad it’s you. I barely know anyone here besides my cousin Jade, and you can only spend so much time with family before you go insane.”

“Tell me about it. You know Rose, yeah? Blonde chick with the black lipstick and five thousand reverse-psychology gambits up her lace-trimmed sleeves? She’s family and all, but goddamn, I’d lose it if she was the only one I had to talk to.” Dave had launched into a fit of rambling but his mind just kept repeating “I’m glad it’s you” and he couldn’t focus on anything else, so his motor mouth was off to the goddamn races.

“Mmhmm! I know her. Well, I talked to her yesterday, at least. She made me tea,” John said.

“You talked to…? Yeah? Really?” It took a minute, but suddenly Dave was connecting the dots here. No wonder Rose fucking knew everything, she was running around interrogating everyone on the planet just like he had been. But he had to admit, her methods seemed a lot more effective. Her attitude yesterday afternoon abruptly made total sense.

John nodded. “She’s nice! But a little much sometimes. I always got the feeling she knew something I didn’t, y’know?”

“Yeah, exactly. She’s like that all the time so get used to it.” Why hadn’t Rose purposefully mentioned John’s visit? What had she said to him? What had he said to her? Would it be weird to ask? Fucking whatever. “What’d you talk about?”

Dave noticed John’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly before he averted his gaze and shrugged. “Oh, nothing much,” he said, his tone bordering on evasive. “Heh. She just asked me how I was settling in, mainly.”

“But you went to see her?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, it’s just…kind of a ways from here. Like, other side of the mall and all.” Christ, the way he was babbling you’d think the goddamn Berlin Wall was standing between this end of the mall and the other, he sounded so stupid, but he was just so intensely curious about John’s visit and couldn’t keep himself from pressing the issue.

“Oh, no, not…not really? I ran into her and she invited me into the bookshop where she works. I didn’t arrange it or anything. I was wandering around and she saw me.”

All Dave could think was the very slim and probably totally insane possibility that John’s real destination had been the hair salon and Rose had merely spotted him from next door. “I’m only asking because that’s more my neck of the woods and I was wondering why I didn’t see you. You should’ve said hi,” Dave said as casually as he could manage, but he couldn’t keep the shade of disappointment out of his voice.

“You weren’t there,” John said, his eyes finally focusing on Dave again and grinning sheepishly. “I wasn’t really…y’know, _looking_ for you or anything. I was only passing by. But you weren’t there.”

Dave blinked slowly. “Oh. Sorry.”

“No, don’t feel bad!” John burst out immediately. “It’s totally fine. Don’t even think about it. I wouldn’t have wanted to bother you anyway. I’m sure really important people get haircuts there.”

Dave scoffed. “Yeah, I’m in high demand. Can hardly get a breather when I’m on shift. You sure I’m not bothering you by loitering around here?”

“Definitely not. I can count the number of people who have walked in here on my hands,” John replied, rolling his eyes for the millionth time. He seemed to have perfected the ideal 360-degree trajectory for ocular rotation. “It kind of sucks because there actually is cool shit in here.”

“Depends what you mean by cool.”

“I take it you’re an expert.”

“Yup, that’s me, Supreme Viceroy of Relative Coolness. I can hand you a business card.”

“Wow, I’m just so honored by your presence,” John said mockingly, walking around the counter. “No, I’m serious, there’s some real gems in this place! Come on, I’ll show you.”

“More magic tricks?” Dave asked, following John into one of the aisles.

“Yeah, totally.” He picked out a finger-trap from a shelf. “You ever have one of these when you were a kid?”

“Oh shit, I remember those. I must have broken every single one I ever owned. Never figured how to work them.”

“Lame,” John teased. “It’s really simple.” Without further ado, he stuck his finger with one end and gestured for Dave to do the same.

“You must get so fucking bored in here,” Dave sighed, doing as he was told. But he was having some trouble keeping himself from smiling too wide. He couldn’t help it; John’s relentless enthusiasm was contagious.

“Solve the trap,” John instructed. “I’m telling you, it’s super easy.”

“Alright, smart-ass, don’t remind me,” Dave said, gritting his teeth and pulling at the flimsy paper contraption. But it didn’t budge. “Tell me, was I right in my youth? Is the solution to break the stupid fuckin’ thing in half? ‘Cause I could _definitely_ do that. Shit!” John was laughing behind his free hand and Dave glared and set his jaw. “Alright, fine, you win. Solve the thing.”

“Sure you don’t wanna try again?”

“I’m sure.”

“You’ll feel dumb when I tell you how it works.”

“I feel dumb right now.”

“Fair point. See, most people just try to break out of it with brute force or whatever. But really, the trick is to push it together--” Carefully, John pushed on the finger-trap so it contracted and Dave imitated him; for one fraction of a second he felt John’s fingertip brush against his and his heart leapt into his throat. “--instead of pulling it apart,” John finished, and sure enough the trap released. John set it back on the shelf and beamed. “See? Nothing to it.”

Dave jammed his hands into his pockets, feeling almost like he’d gotten hit with an electric shock. “I guess that makes sense,” he conceded. “It’s still pretty fucking dumb, though.”

“Now you know, at least!” John chuckled. “Man, you just get pissy about everything, don’t you?” He brushed past Dave and continued perusing the aisles, and Dave followed indignantly.

“That’s so not true,” he objected, but his only response was further quiet, derisive laughter. “I’m not pissy. Mostly,” he went on, louder this time. “Ask anybody, they’ll tell you.”

“I’ll try and remember to do a survey,” John said. “Actually, when I asked Jade about you she didn’t say anything that bad. So maybe you’re right.”

“You asked Jade about me?” Dave blurted out.

“Mmhmm. Although Karkat described you as a, quote, ‘cryptic douche.’ Even though he also said you guys are friends?”

“We are. He’s just an asshole,” Dave said automatically, but then gave a start. “Wait, you asked _him_ about me too?”

John shrugged. “Not really? Both of them said you asked about me first. So I was just following up.” He glanced back at Dave with a smile, just in time for Dave to feel his face go hot. Fuck. Those jackasses couldn’t keep a secret for shit.

“I mean…uh. It wasn’t a big deal. People swap info about each other around here constantly. I bet everyone told you that. It’s like a…rite of passage thing when you start working here,” Dave babbled, lying extravagantly and trying to keep up with John’s pace all at once.

“Yeah, they mentioned that,” John agreed vaguely, but there was something in his tone that suggested he had some further secret knowledge on the matter. This was the sort of shit Dave expected from Rose, or maybe Jade. But now the I-know-something-you-don’t thing had spread to John and it was actually more infuriating than usual. Dave made a mental note to re-interrogate everyone who had spoken to John. But in the meantime he followed along to the back wall of the store, which was, oddly enough, lined with pastry cookbooks.

“What’s the deal with this?” Dave asked, his indignation forgotten and the prior subject of conversation, thankfully, dropped.

“My nanna insisted. She’s big on desserts. Her and my dad say that every good prankster knows how to make a decent pie or something. Apparently cakes can be really conductive to pranks? Sometimes they bake random crap into my birthday cakes. Or just throw them at me,” John explained.

“Well, are they decently-made cakes?” Dave joked, his tone as serious as he could manage.

John snickered. “Yeah, they actually are. So I guess my nanna was right after all. She’ll be glad to hear she’s been validated after all these years.”

By now they were standing almost shoulder-to-shoulder and Dave was abruptly possessed by a very dire need to hold John’s hand and couldn’t keep himself from glancing down at his fingers every two seconds. _Jesus. Calm the fuck down._ He stuck his hands even deeper into his pockets to rectify this. At this rate, he wouldn’t have been surprised if he spontaneously busted holes in his hoodie.

“And I guess that’s pretty much the whole store. We have a back room for storage and junk but I’m literally not allowed to take you there. My dad’s pretty serious about the employees-only thing.”

“Yeah, because I’m definitely gonna steal shit from your storage room. Gotta keep an eye out,” Dave said condescendingly.

“You never know!” John replied, wandering back to his register with his tone equally mocking. “I have to be vigilant. I mean, you could only be befriending me to get access to the store stock and sell our prank secrets to some evil dictator somewhere. It could all just be an elaborate ruse.”

“Trust me, it’s not,” Dave assured him, leaning on the counter, and he could have sworn that John’s smile grew the smallest degree.

“Hmm. That’s exactly what you’d say if you were just plotting against me, though, isn’t it?” John went on, eyebrows raised. “You gotta prove it, dude. Words aren’t enough.”

“Just tell me how. It’s like you said, I can’t have my reputation sullied like that. I’ll do anything to clear my name,” Dave said, couching his sincerity in melodrama.

“It’s gonna take some effort. Are you really prepared to do anything?” John went on, surpassing Dave in cinematic levels of hyperbole.

They were being ridiculous. Dave knew that. He was fully aware that the back-and-forth banter he and John were so good at was only escalating into brazen absurdity. But even so, there was something more than that going on. He could feel it hovering between them, and he couldn’t help but notice that John had also started leaning forward and they were alone and extremely close in this quiet prank-stuffed store, and he saw John’s bright blue eyes watching him intently, even though his mouth kept spewing playful exaggerations.

Dave’s watch beeped and abruptly shattered the moment and he groaned. “Yeah, anything except stick around, unfortunately. My break’s up, I gotta head back,” he said.

“Oh. That didn’t seem like a very long time,” John replied. He’d pulled back and his voice had dropped the teasing lilt it had carried just moments ago. Whatever had been going on, it was done now, and all at once Dave felt out of place and utterly unsure of what to do. Time for evasive maneuvers before he could embarrass himself further.

“Yeah, it’s always too short. But it was cool while it lasted. I guess I’ll see you around?” He pushed his shades back up the bridge of his nose and saw John’s eyes dart up to him and go back down nervously. Everything had felt so comfortable for so long and he was sorely disappointed by the swift change. Part of him wanted to linger, wanted to get that feeling back, but he had no idea how.

Instead, he turned to go. But he’d only just barely cleared the storefront when John called out after him: “Hey, wait!”

“Yeah?” he asked, stopping in his tracks.

“Uh. We could, y’know, hang out tomorrow. If you’d like. Maybe get lunch instead of just hang around here?” He shrugged. “If you’re not too busy, that is. Which is fine! I understand if you are. But if not, then…that’d be good.” He was smiling again, but differently; he looked shy and hesitant now, as opposed to how easygoing he’d been just minutes ago.

There was a very warm, almost dream-like sensation blooming in the pit of Dave’s stomach. “That does sound good. Sure, I’m game. I’ll come meet you over here.”

John was positively beaming, his whole face lit up and his eyes sparkling and goddamn, it wasn’t even normal, real people couldn’t possibly be this good-looking, could they? “Okay! Awesome. Bye, Dave.”

“Later, John.”

He walked off quickly to hide the blush that was flooding his cheeks and smiled wide, not even trying to keep his expression blank. How could he not smile? He was gonna see John tomorrow. Even better, John specifically asked to see him tomorrow. Not in a week, not in a month, not never, but tomorrow.

Hastily, Dave threw the joke shop one last backwards glance and saw John watching him go, only ducking back inside when he noticed Dave could see. And in that moment a thought suddenly struck him with absolute certainty.

John _liked_ him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to otakon this weekend and i'm super excited!!! i'm less excited about my abysmal writing progress on this fic but i'll get it done. eventually. somehow. sobs a lot


	6. Needless Coquettishness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade Harley has some very important conversations. And also some sushi. Gotta watch out for that shrimp-breath.  
> (this one's for my sister and her insatiable need for jadekat. we edit for each other and so we like to put each other's ships in our fics because that's what family's all about.)

“Alright, so that’s…seven bags of cat food. Plus the collar with the little bell on it. And the tiny cat sweater that says “meow wow.” I think we’re good, right?” Jade said, tallying the inventory on the counter and smiling up at Rose’s mom on the other side of the register.

“Perfect!”

“Mrs. Lalonde, don’t you only have one cat?” Jade asked teasingly, crossing her arms.

“God, Jade, don’t call me Missus, I’ll start thinking I’m old,” she started with a laugh. “And secondly, yes, there’s only Frigglish, but he’s very spoiled.”

“And fat, I bet,” Jade snorted. “Wait, Frigglish? I thought its name was Jaspers. That’s what Rose calls it.”

“Ah, yes, that little family dispute was never quite settled,” Rose’s mother said with a melodramatic sigh. “Anyway, I’d better get going. Places to see and people to do and such.”

“You got that mixed up a bit, I think,” Jade said, her tone still lighthearted as she waited for the receipt to print out of the prehistoric cash register. The entire machine groaned and seemed to cough up gears as it sputtered out paper. It had to be as old as her grandfather.

“I know exactly what I said.” With a playful wink but no further ado, Ms. Lalonde, as she apparently preferred, scooped up her purchases in her arms with an unexpected ease.

“You got that?” Jade asked, concerned as she watched the stack of cat food wobble.

“Absolutely! I don’t just sit around daintily sipping martinis all day, you know. Only most of the day,” she replied airily. “Tell your batty old grandfather to stop by if he ever steps foot on the continent again, we need to catch up.”

“Will do!” Jade laughed. “But that’s a pretty big if.”

The pet store was once again quiet and, with an exasperated exhale, Jade turned back to her employees. “Please tell me one of you did something useful while I was busy,” she started, already knowing the answer.

“Uh. Maybe,” Tavros responded, while Nepeta didn’t even bother to look up from her latest favorite kitten.

“Wonderful. Gold stars for both of you,” Jade sighed, rubbing her temples as if she had a migraine. The ruse didn't get her any sympathy, though.

“Can I go to lunch now?” Tavros asked.

“Yeah, go ahead,” Jade grumbled, and soon the place was empty, leaving her with her thoughts. She perched herself on the counter and crossed her arms.

Jade Harley had never thought she was a particularly patient person until her grandfather arranged for her to manage his pet store, which despite being a fixture in the mall for three decades had never actually opened until recently. Grandpa Harley’s constant story was that he kept forgetting he even owned the place, and while it sounded like a lazy bullshit excuse it was actually true. Jade loved the man dearly but he really didn’t have a managerial sort of mind. Or any sort of organized mind. He could basically focus long enough to shoot animals on his hunting expeditions, or else for the duration of an action movie with lots of explosions. Everything else was abandoned and forgotten within five minutes.

So it had fallen to Jade to tend to the place, which mostly seemed like only an alternate address for Grandpa to ship various weapons to, which wasn’t a bad idea, really, considering their household had fallen under scrutiny in the past for taking in so many old-fashioned guns. Jade seriously regretted teaching Grandpa how to shop online. He was a total addict. But the fact of the matter was he only made an appearance every so often and probably couldn’t even find the store on his own if he happened to wander into the mall. It wasn’t a big deal; Jade didn’t mind the work and liked being her own boss. She also enjoyed the privilege of poking through the gun shipments first because Grandpa barely ever shared his toys once he got his hands on them. Sometimes she was sure he was just a five-year-old trapped in a wrinkly old man body.

Mostly the days proceeded without incident, which might have bored some people but was a relief to Jade. Whenever something did happen - meaning whenever her stellar employees got themselves into trouble - it was always a disastrous all-day affair. Jade was used to Nepeta riling up the kittens and flopping around on the floor and Tavros only barely maintaining the illusion of competency in between injuring himself in stupid ways. Like the time she’d walked in to find five cats with their claws sunk into his shirt. Or the time he’d been rolling dog food on a hand truck and accidentally tipped it over backwards and pinned himself to the floor. Or that one time that no one ever talked about, not in front of him at least, when he’d been discovered dangling from a bungee cord in the food court. That one had been really funny, actually.

Everyone in the mall had told her - repeatedly, which was easily as annoying as anything her employees did - she’d be better off firing Tavros and Nepeta and replacing them with people who could at least fake interest in their jobs. But she could never bring herself to be angry enough with them to fire them. They were just too hapless and dumb to hate. Besides, Jade could handle everything herself anyway.

Of course, she did have some help. Complaining to Karkat usually helped her mood, and he brought her lunch every day too so she wouldn’t have to rely on her employees to keep shop for her. And Rose could be relied on, Jade supposed. Maybe John, too, now that he worked here. She was content depending on Karkat, though.

Jade smiled to herself and absent-mindedly started playing with the ends of her hair, braiding and unbraiding the strands. He was terribly cute. It didn’t make sense, considering he was also loud and brash and rude to pretty much everybody all the time, and noticeably shorter than her to boot. And yet she couldn’t help noticing the softer sides of him disguised beneath the aggressive exterior. Okay, okay, sure, he wasn’t a _total_ angel deep down inside; he could still be mean and annoying and they’d certainly had their disagreements, mostly because both she and Karkat were incredibly stubborn, often to the point of stupidity. But he was fully capable of being sweet when he wanted to, as she’d tried to explain to Rose.

Jade checked her watch and sighed impatiently. Speaking of Karkat, she wished he’d show up already! Tavros and Nepeta could be back at any moment, and it was impossible to have any sort of meaningful conversation with Karkat with anyone else around. Plus she was starving.

Jade glanced up as she heard footsteps approaching, hurriedly straightening out her hair and trying to look like she hadn’t been waiting for--

Oh. It was just Dave. She couldn’t help but exhale impatiently. “Hi, Dave. What’s going on?” she asked, forcing herself not to sound disappointed.

“Nothing. Normal day. What’s new around here?” he asked lightly. “Did your grandpa get his death laser by mail yet?”

Jade chuckled. “No, but the online tracking says it should be in any day now,” she joked. It’d been such a hassle getting all of Grandpa’s crates of guns home the other day. She was thinking about getting a trailer to attach to the end of her car just so she didn’t look like a smuggler driving home.

Dave cracked a grin. “God bless the US postal service. Always reliable. Hey, how’s that cousin of yours doing? He settling in finally?” Jade raised an eyebrow and Dave returned the gesture. “What’s with the look, Harley? Just trying to be sociable.”

She slid off the counter and walked over to him, arms crossed. “Dave, don’t patronize me. We are both fully aware that you’re on first-name basis with my cousin,” she informed him pointedly. “No need to be coy about it.”

“What are you--”

“Listen, I will totally use the death laser on you if you don’t talk straight with me,” Jade threatened. God, what was Dave’s problem? Always playing weird mind games. He was more like Rose than he’d ever admit, except way more annoying.

Dave threw up his hands in mock surrender. “Oh no, spare me. At least use it to kill fuckin’ James Bond first.” Jade glared and the gesture earned an exasperated scoff from Dave. “Alright, alright. Yeah, I went and hung out with him yesterday. So what?”

“So why are you asking me how he is? Go ask him,” Jade replied, rolling her eyes. “Unless you’re trying to pry out more information about him, which I’m not going to give you because I’d only be enabling your dumb coquettish antics.” Okay, coquettish was really one of those words Rose was more fond of, particularly in reference to the whole John-and-Dave affair, but Jade couldn’t think of a better term to describe it. These were antics that reeked to high heaven of coquettishness. If that was even a word.

“I’ll have you know I’ve never been coquettish in my entire life,” Dave retorted. “In fact, I’m not entirely sure I know the meaning of the word. It sounds like stupid bullshit though. Definitely not on my to-do list.”

“You’re so coquettish. Like, the most coquettish.”

“Whatever. Hey, speaking of prying out information, I have it on good authority that you’ve been dispensing some about me. Care to explain?” Dave’s tone was still easy and light but Jade was suspicious. He was definitely not as relaxed about this as he was trying - and failing miserably, if she was honest - to be.

“What authority?” Jade asked. Wait, duh, John must have told him. Why would he do that? It seemed like a pretty lame flirting tactic.

“John’s.” Bullseye. “He said you’d told him stuff about me.”

“Aren’t we kind of old to be playing telephone? All this he-said she-said stuff. You’re probably exaggerating,” Jade said as she walked back to the counter, doing her best to act casual and hide the gleam in her eyes. She was no great shakes at Lalonde-style psychobabble interrogation, but the opportunity to mess with Dave’s head was too tempting to pass up.

“Come on, Jade, I’m serious. I don’t like hearing about people talking shit and besmirching my character. It’s a personal offense,” Dave insisted, failing to hide an edge of petulance in his voice. Wow, she hadn’t even started properly messing with him yet and he was already fed up. Maybe she was learning something from Rose after all.

“No one’s talking shit, Dave.”

“That’s what people who talk shit say when they get called out, though.” Jade couldn’t help but snort in reply and she could tell from the furrow of his brow that Dave was glaring at her. “Come on, what’d you tell him? Don’t doom my fledgling friendship with the guy. If he doesn’t have me, he’ll be forced to make friends with the rest of the goddamn asylum out there.”

“Sorry,” Jade apologized through her snickering. It wasn’t all that convincing. “It’s just funny. You getting all uppity because John did the same thing you did and asked about you, I mean. I thought you of all people would appreciate the irony.”

“Hilarious,” Dave deadpanned. “Really. I’m serious, though.”

“Alright, alright, calm down, I didn’t talk shit about you! John just wanted to know what you were like. You know. Exactly like you did? No harm, no foul,” Jade explained. “Relax. You’ll get wrinkles if you keep making that face at me.”

Dave exhaled impatiently. “Yeah, but what’d you _say?”_

“I didn’t write it down, Dave. Jeez.” Dave glanced up over the top of his shades to throw a critical look at her and she sighed. Yeah, he wasn’t going to let up. Again, Rose was right; Dave could be ridiculously stubborn when he wanted to be, and Jade wasn’t keen on keeping him around, especially when Karkat could walk in any second. Putting Dave and Karkat in a room together was a bad idea because they’d spend like fifty hours arguing about nothing and calling each other names. It wouldn’t be a productive conversation. “Let me think…well, I told John that you wanted to be friends with him. Is that a crime? And yes, I mentioned you’d asked about him. That’s pretty much it.”

“Awesome. Now I’m a rumor-mongering creep,” Dave muttered.

“Wow, okay, turn off the drama. He was doing the same thing, he can’t think you’re a creep,” Jade said reasonably, and she saw Dave’s mouth twist and recognized it as a silent acknowledgement that she was right. Dave had it bad; she’d never seen anyone get so worked up over lame mall gossip. It wasn’t even really gossip, if she was honest. She had plenty of embarrassing stories about Dave to tell if she felt like it. Her favorite was the one about how Dave accidentally tipped over one of the barber’s chairs when he had an appointment. The old things were rickety and the backs went loose easily, so it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it was still fun to tease him about it. Jade was pretty sure there was still hair dye staining the floor of the salon as a permanent memorial to the chaos of the incident. “John doesn’t think bad of you. I promise I only said nice things. Okay?”

Dave sighed but uncrossed his arms and seemed to relax. “Hey, you can never be too careful,” he said nonchalantly, his tone sounding just the slightest bit forced. If Jade hadn’t known him for so long she wouldn’t have noticed.

“Why are you so high-strung today anyway?” Jade asked, trying to change the subject.

“I’m not. I think you’re projecting,” Dave told her, his reply immediate as if to deflect attention as quickly as possible. Which was probably the point. He was impossible and Jade puffed a lock of hair out of her face, agitated. How did Rose ever get the upper hand in conversations with this guy?

“Whatever. So you talked to John? How’d it go?” Jade asked. She was genuinely curious, especially because if Rose was right, this whole thing could go down like a real-life romcom, except way stupider, and Jade was starved for entertainment. Sure, it was nary a dull moment around her shop, but it’s all much less fun when she was the one who had to pick up the pieces afterward. It would be nice to observe something amusing that didn’t involve property damage or personal injury.

“What does that even mean? It’s not some high-stakes national security meeting. No big deal. We talked, he showed me around the joke shop. Got some weird shit there. Did you know he does card tricks?” Dave said.

“Do I ever. He never stops,” Jade laughed.

“He’s not bad at it.”

“Yeah, he knows his shit. I thought he was faking and he got all indignant.”

Jade gasped in mock horror. “Of course he did, how could you question his totally serious magician skills? That’s the highest insult you can deal to a person, after all,” she declared melodramatically.

“You know, you sound eerily like him. Did you bug the place and listen in? Actually, never mind. If you did I’d rather not know. And I wouldn’t put it past you, either. Especially considering you’re always scheming with Rose all damn day.” Dave shook his head and glanced at his watch. “Well, my lunch break is ticking away. Gotta grab some nasty greasy swill from the food court. I’ll see you around, Jade.”

However, Dave took a right out the door, the exact opposite direction of the food court. Jade leaned on the doorframe and watched him make his way down to the dead-end of the mall. Very little awaited him there, she knew. Besides John. He was definitely there. It seemed those lame card tricks had paid off in the end after all, Jade realized with a grin. Amazing. She had never thought such a thing was even possible.

Dave’s fading footsteps were soon replaced by the sound of someone else approaching and Jade spun around immediately. “Hi, Karkat!” she said enthusiastically, beaming even wider. Shit, talking to Dave had been so distracting. She hadn’t checked her hair or fixed her clothes or anything. What if she had something stuck in her teeth?! No, that was silly, Jade told herself. She hadn’t even eaten yet, Karkat had her lunch. “What you got today?”

“Some sushi. Figured we could split it, I got a mix box. From that nice place in the strip mall down the road so don’t worry, you won’t get poisoned,” Karkat replied, and stared off past her to where she’d been looking. “What are you watching Dave’s flat ass for?”

“Nothing, I’m just trying to figure out if it even exists on the three-dimensional plane. It’s for science. Come inside,” Jade joked, walking back to her register and gesturing for Karkat to follow. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Not on your life,” Karkat responded immediately, dropping the box of sushi on the counter.

“Lame!” Jade rolled her eyes and puffed an errant lock of hair out of her face. Shit!! Her hair needed to learn to behave. Why hadn’t it gotten all messy before? She needed it to be perfect now.

“I’m only being honest, Harley. Jesus. I never claimed to be a saint,” Karkat retorted defensively.

“Well, okay. Don’t tell _that_ many people, but Dave and my cousin John are totally going to hook up soon. Unless they’re too stupid to, I guess? But they want to. So I was trying to grill Dave a bit when he was here but I’m not as good at it as Rose is.” The explanation tumbled out of Jade in a rush but she couldn’t help it. Nothing really dramatic had happened in the interpersonal relationship department in so long, not since Rose and Kanaya had started flirting with each other. She supposed Sollux and Aradia were currently flirting with each other, but she couldn’t gossip about them with Karkat because he would just start yelling about how annoying they were.

Karkat’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Seriously? How do you know?” he asked, voice now hushed in a conspiratorial sort of tone.

Jade scoffed. “Oh, come _on_. It’s so obvious!”

Karkat looked contemplative. “See, okay, I thought so, I was starting to want to do some investigating myself. Dave’s been weirdly cagey and obnoxious lately, and you know him, he has different tiers of obnoxiousness. Like, there’s the ironic forced shit that he does--”

“--when he’s deliberately trying to piss you off, yeah, totally,” Jade finished, nodding.

“Right, exactly. Fucking absurd. It’s a miracle there are people in this mall who are somehow huger douchepricks than he is. Or a curse, I suppose,” Karkat said, with an impatient sigh. “But it’s been different. Like, he was practically being _nice_ the other day in the process of trying to wheedle out information from me. I saw right through it, of course, but I just wasn’t sure why.” He paused and then grinned rather meanly. “So the unfazeable Dave Strider is in love, then?”

Jade nodded. “Definitely! I can tell.”

“And your cousin? What does he think?”

“I don’t think Dave will have an issue, if he just gets off his dumb flat butt and actually asks John out.”

“Incredible. We’ve isolated the one life form that can actually enjoy his company. Alright, then what do we do? I’m leaning towards mocking them mercilessly.”

“No no no!! Don’t be mean, I know it’s tempting. We just have to wait it out and watch,” Jade advised.

“Sounds boring as Eridan’s pretentious wardrobe. How long will it take?” Karkat asked.

“I dunno. They’re both kind of huge idiots.”

“Naturally. That’s a given. The important question is, does anybody else know?”

Jade furrowed her brow. “Rose does,” she started.

Karkat waved his hand impatiently. “Again, that’s a given. Her Ouija board tells her arcane secrets or whatever the fuck. It’d be news if Rose didn’t know a thing. So who else?”

“I don’t think anybody else,” Jade said contemplatively. “Just the three of us.”

Karkat scoffed. “I wouldn’t bet on it. When was the last time you heard of a secret actually being kept between three people in this place? Someone else has to have a clue. Especially if Dave grilled the entire mall for information.”

Jade’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “No way. He didn’t. He’s not that dumb.”

“Maybe not dumb, but is he that desperate? He was in my store asking me random bullshit. I saw him head for Terezi’s after, and along the way down to your place there’s ton of people. And even if he just asked Terezi - they’re friends, I wouldn’t be surprised - then Terezi figures it out and she tells Vriska who tells Eridan or some other random fuck eavesdrops or whatever. Bam. The entire mall knows. Someone’s gonna pick up on it, I guarantee it.”

“Do you really think…wait, shit, look!”

Both of them turned to stare out the front windows to see John and Dave strolling past, chatting animatedly and walking incredibly close to each other. As they watched John bumped his shoulder into Dave’s and Dave, well-known for prizing his stoic demeanor, was actually laughing. Both of them seemed entirely wrapped up in each other and didn’t notice that they had an audience.

“You weren’t kidding,” Karkat commented.

“See! I told you!” Jade said triumphantly.

“Somebody’s gonna put the pieces together. Just you watch.” He turned back to her and said disparagingly, “Ugh, don’t tell me they’re gonna play coy for weeks on end. The suspense would kill me. Like, literally, I will get an aneurysm from smashing my head against the wall in frustration. I can’t stand that shit, it’s so fucking asinine. It’s obvious when two people like each other, one of them should just step up and say so.”

Jade nodded. “I know, it’s like…you’re not fooling anybody. Everyone can see it. Dave said he was getting lunch and now John’s with him so it’s practically like a date already! Might as well call it one!”

As she spoke Karkat opened the sushi box and snapped open chopsticks for Jade, and once she finished talking he went on, “People are dumb. So fucking dumb. Especially when they get all evasive for no reason and beat around the bush with their feelings.” He popped a sushi roll into his mouth and talked through it, saying, “I’m an expert with these things. I’ve watched every romcom in existence, obviously, because they’re superior cinematic material. Feelings are fucking easy. It’s baby shit, honestly. It’s not nearly as hard as I make out with you to be.” He choked on the sushi for a split second and went on in between coughs, “I mean. Fuck. Make it out to be. I didn’t say anything. What?”

Because Jade had, in the process of listening to Karkat rant, after her fingertips brushed against his and she was forced to realize that somehow Karkat was still stupidly adorable even when he was talking with his mouth full, remembered what Rose had said about her following in John’s lame footsteps when it came to romance, and now she had to admit that she was basically being a huge hypocrite. And Karkat seemed to realize it too; his eyes had darted away from her as he defended his not-so-innocuous slip of the tongue and she could see some color trickling into his cheeks.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked quietly, chopsticks poised between his fingers.

“We’re fucking dumb,” Jade said softly.

“Wha--?” But he was immediately cut off by Jade leaning across the counter and kissing him with as much force as she could muster.

She pulled back after a minute and scanned his surprised face. He looked frozen. Uh-oh. Jade had to break the ice somehow. _Quick, say anything!_ “Your mouth tastes like shrimp,” she informed him. _Okay maybe don’t say anything._

Fortunately, though, that snapped him out of his shock. “Well, I would have had a fucking mint if you’d warned me!” he shot back indignantly, but Jade merely grinned and started laughing. “What?! I’ll have you know I usually have impeccably fresh breath, don’t mischaracterize my goddamn dental habits!”

“I didn’t say I minded it,” Jade said, muffling her laughter.

Karkat still looked mildly stunned but went on, “Oh. Well. Alright then. As long as I didn’t kill the mood with my sushi-breath.”

“Not at all,” Jade assured him sweetly. “Are you free this weekend? We should go to dinner. Or lunch. Or anything, I don’t really care.”

“Yeah, of course,” he said immediately, and…wow, she got a real smile out of him. He was pretty much beaming.

“Just promise me you’ll smile like that more,” she requested, and the blush on his cheeks deepened into a very pronounced shade of pink. With that, she said the words that had been echoing in her head for ages now: “You’re so cute. You really are.”

“Not as cute as you,” he mumbled shyly.

“You’re such a nerd,” Jade teased. “Did you get that line from a romcom?”

“No! Maybe. Yes. Shut up, I’m trying to woo you here. Be flattered,” Karkat blustered indignantly.

Jade reached over and poked the tip of his nose. “Loser,” she said fondly.

“You have no appreciation for the romantic arts, Harley. None. It’s sad, really,” Karkat retorted, but Jade could see the tiny, reluctant grin on his face and knew she was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title of this fic is "everyone hooks up before john and dave"  
> i love switching POVs because it forces me out of my comfort zone!!! hooray for forcing my writing to be challenging. this is basically my first time writing jade and it took ages to get it right.  
> next chapter's a long one focused on john. he's fun to write bc i get to make dumb movie references hell yea


	7. Definitely Not a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just lunch. Friends have lunch, it happens all the time. It's not a _date_ or anything. Nope. No way. Definitely not.  
>  Except maybe it is? No, totally not. Jeez, it's not like it's your business anyway.

“I can’t just choose _one_. Are you insane?”

“Yeah, apparently. Christ, I asked what your favorite movie was, not which person in your family you love the most. It’s not a big question.”

“It’s a huge question!”

“Alright, alright, don’t flip your shit over it. We’ll pass on that one. You’re total garbage at twenty questions, by the way. Dunno if you were aware.”

“You ask dumb questions. It’s not my fault.”

“Nah, you suck at lame middle school games. You’re not invited to any more of my sleepovers and you’re gonna miss out, my mom lets us drink soda past nine. Anyway. Your turn. Ask me anything.”

“Okay, I’m thinking. Uh…ever broken a bone?”

“Most of them, yeah. You?”

“No, never. Wait, what do you mean most of them?”

“Busted up one leg, both arms, couple fingers here and here. Oh, and the ribs, but those were more bruised than anything.”

“How the hell--?”

“Me and my bro favor no-holds-barred swordfights to settle disputes and street rules are in full play. Y’know. Family bonding. Shit happens.”

“Swordfights? No way. You’re lying. No lying in twenty questions, that’s sleepover rules.”

“I’m telling God’s honest truth here. Cross my heart, hope to die, all that shit. What? Don’t give me the evil eye.”

“I’m still dubious.”

“Wanna pinky-swear?”

“Pfft. Loser.”

“Gotcha smiling again, though, so mission accomplished. Is there a question sometime in my future?”

“Huh? Oh, right. Sure.”

“Looking a little dazed there. I tend to have that effect on people, don’t worry about it.”

“You are such a loser, shut up. Did you go to loser school to get certified?”

“That’s not a real question.”

“You’re just evading the truth. Admit it. You have a doctorate in loserology.”

“Yeah, you caught me. Dr. Strider in the house, expert in all things dweebish. You’re my primary case study, soon I’ll write my thesis and get all that sweet grant money. I’ll be rolling in academic cheddar before too long and then sail off in my science yacht in my bikini made of dollar bills.”

“Have you ever been on a boat before?”

“Nope. Can’t even swim. What do you do besides card tricks and watching every movie ever made? I’m sure you’re a man of many talents.”

“Well, I play piano--”

“No shit?”

“None whatsoever!”

“That’s awesome. I do some composing on the side but I mostly only remix shit. You any good?”

“Yeah! I mean, I’d better be. My dad thinks I’m a natural so he made me go to lessons for my entire childhood. As for other talents, that’s about it. Oh, wait, also ghosts are cool, I do a lot of reading about paranormal stuff. Are there any haunted abandoned places in town?”

“Just my career prospects.”

“What do you wanna do even? As a career, I mean. Hey, shrugging isn’t an answer!”

“Shrugging’s my best answer. I dunno.”

“You can tell me. I won’t laugh, I promise.”

“Why are you assuming it’s something funny?”

“Because you won’t tell me.”

“I’m not sure if your logic is sound there. Might wanna run the numbers on that a couple more times.”

“You’re just avoiding the question.”

“The game’s called twenty questions, not twenty declarative statements.”

“You’re _definitely_ avoiding the question.”

“Am not.”

“Yeah you are!”

“So are you gonna eat that burrito?”

Well, that seemed to be endgame. “Um.” John glanced down at his plate and his playful smile collapsed into a wary sort of scowl. “Dave, I don’t want to die today. I’m too young.”

“Aw, come on. It can’t be that bad,” Dave replied, leaning back in his seat.

“Dude, are you looking at the same burrito I am?” John asked incredulously.

The burrito in question was somehow both soggy and burnt on opposite ends and it was possibly the least appetizing thing John had ever laid eyes on. This should be illegal. How could anyone warp Taco Bell like this?

“I told you not to go there. I warned you about Gamzee. You didn’t listen. You made yourself this burrito, now you gotta lie in it,” Dave said, slowly shaking his head and swirling a french fry in ketchup as he spoke.

John wrinkled his nose. “I think that metaphor’s a bit off.”

Dave waved his french fry around in the air impatiently and a dollop of ketchup arced over and splashed to the floor. “Details, Egbert. Don’t worry about it.”

John snorted and rolled his eyes, but he was amused all the same. Hanging out with Dave put him in an extremely good mood that not even a rancid burrito could undo. John had never thought he could befriend someone this quickly, but he already spoke to Dave more easily than he could with anyone else, as if they’d known each other forever. But there was still a lot about him John didn’t know, which was why they were firing off random questions back and forth as they ate lunch in the mall food court. Well, Dave was eating, because his food actually resembled food. John, on the other hand, was pretty sure his burrito would awaken into the creature from the black lagoon the second he took his eyes off it.

“You sure it’s safe?” he asked suspiciously, poking the squishy, lumpy surface with one finger. Ew. It had this tiny grease puddle around it now and touching it only made the pathetic thing deflate.

Dave shrugged. “Maybe. I can’t guarantee it won’t kill you, though. Seriously, I warned you for a reason.”

“I really wanted a burrito,” John mumbled petulantly.

“And now you’ve paid for your hubris. No one is powerful enough to make Gamzee cook edible food.”

“It’s a burrito! I don’t get how he fucked it up so badly, all you gotta do is, like, fold all the ingredients into the tortilla. This isn’t five-star dining.”

“Speak for yourself, that thing’s a masterpiece of failure. Gotta give it some respect.”

Tentatively, John picked the aforementioned masterpiece up and scrutinized it, finally isolating one corner that almost looked edible if he squinted and looked over the rims of his glasses. _Can’t be that bad, huh?_

He was wrong. He was horribly wrong. It absolutely was that bad. The burrito was bland and waterlogged and tiny sooty flecks rubbed off on John’s hands as he handled the burned end. “Ugh! Okay, there is something seriously wrong with this thing,” he exclaimed, dropping it back on his plate and unrolling it.

“What are you doing?” Dave asked, sounding both amused and exasperated simultaneously.

“It doesn’t even taste like anything! I think he forgot the spices. And the vegetables. And the cheese? I don’t think there’s any meat in there, either,” John said, yanking the burrito apart as he spoke.

Dave looked at him critically, observing the mess he was making on his plate. “It’s a burrito. It has to have meat in it, what else would it--”

“Dude. Holy shit. Look at this thing,” John interrupted, awe-struck.

“What?”

“It’s filled with tortillas.”

_“What?”_

“I swear to god! Look, he filled the burrito with sliced-up tortillas! And…are these broken nacho chips? What the fuck?!”

They both stared in silence for a minute and then Dave burst out laughing.

“Shut up, this isn’t funny. This is a natural disaster. Someone needs to call the president,” John said, struggling to keep a straight face and failing, soon breaking into laughter himself. With much effort he choked out, “Neutralizing this burrito is the new sequel to _Armageddon_. Zombie Bruce Willis is gonna have to rise from the grave to save humanity again. _Burritogeddon._ No one is safe!”

“John. John, it’s a fuckin’ tortilla burrito. He made you a tortilla burrito. This is like…this is…” Dave couldn’t even begin to articulate himself and instead went on laughing like a madman. John was left struggling with the sudden realization that he really adored the sound of Dave’s laugh.

Thus far the entire day had been an endless loop of oh-no-he’s-hot as different aspects of Dave came to light. First it was the tilt of his smile, ever so slight but still noticeable, then it was the way his laughter shattered his usual ice-cold poker face, and now John was starting to hear that Southern slur in Dave’s words again, slipping out as he tried to compose himself. All of it only drew John in more. Although he still wasn’t sure if Dave was bullshitting him about that swordfighting thing. He supposed it was kind of believable? An image of Dave decked out in medieval garb bloomed in his mind’s eye and it was weirdly striking and attractive. Shit. No. Bad idea.

Dave finally collected himself and his laughter died down and John snapped out of his reverie, struggling not to get caught swooning again. “Looking a little dazed there” indeed, unfortunately. He couldn’t help it; when Dave had noted how he’d managed to coax John into smiling again it was just so absurdly, stupidly cute? It sounded as if he was genuinely proud that he’d done it. John had always thought he had a dumb goofy grin, what with his oversized front teeth and the way his cheeks made his glasses go crooked sometimes. But maybe Dave liked it anyway.

It was admittedly tricky to figure him out sometimes. He had this evasive quality about him, as if he was trying very hard to remain mysterious and aloof. John supposed Rose had warned him about this, but it was still incredibly frustrating. John held onto every concrete fact about Dave that he was presented with, and together they were starting to make a complete picture.

Dave lived with his older brother and their parents were long since dead - Dave had maneuvered the conversation away from them and John hadn’t pushed it - and they moved from Texas a couple years ago. Something about his brother’s business? Again, Dave hadn’t been very detailed (“Listen, I stopped keeping track of his bullshit years ago” was the explanation) but it’d been something. John was pleased to discover that Dave was a bit of a cinema geek, not as much as John was, but to be fair it wasn’t possible for somebody to like movies as much as John did. Unfortunately, Dave’s taste was questionable at best; he seemed to only watch things ironically, which John didn’t really understand. It sounded like a bullshit excuse so he could watch lame monster movies in peace. He’d definitely perked up when John had mentioned music, so he could probably safely assume that was another of Dave’s interests. Maybe John could play for him sometime. He had no clue how to arrange that, but it was worth a shot. He’d kept those shades on all day, which was annoying but John was becoming accustomed to it. Even though he wished he could catch a glimpse of Dave’s crazy scarlet eyes again.

And, of course, Dave was as witty and fun to be around and good-looking as ever. That hadn’t changed.

“Okay, so that was a fucking tragedy, someone’s gonna have to resurrect Shakespeare and have him drop some sick iambic rhymes about it,” Dave said, and pushed his tray of french fries over to John. “No reason to starve, though. Have some fries.”

“No, I’m fine, you don’t have to--!” Dave raised an eyebrow and John knew pressing the issue would be useless. And he was still pretty hungry. Honestly, he was grateful to get the heavy tortilla taste out of his mouth. “Alright, okay. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Dave replied lightly.

John’s eyes kept getting stuck on him, on the curve of his mouth and the dustings of freckles and the way the rims of his shades rested on top of his skin, the lenses reflecting the edges of his cheeks and John himself sitting across the table. John had never been so fascinated by someone in his life.

“Yo, John, did that burrito put you in a coma?” Dave commented. Dammit. Caught swooning again.

John gave a start and shook his head. “At least, I don’t think so. I suppose it could be a slow-acting neurotoxin. Tetrodotoxin or something, if Gamzee accidentally put pufferfish in it. I wouldn’t put it past him, there is that sushi place next to the Taco Bell,” he joked with a shrug.

“Okay, one, I’ve never seen anybody working at that sushi place so I’m confident their pufferfish stores are extremely depleted. Two, damn, you know your poisons. Gotta watch my step around you. I’m gonna start drinking out of a hip flask,” Dave replied.

John laughed at that. “You caught me! I’m a master poisoner. No one in the kingdom is safe. No, seriously, I took a course on natural toxins at school. I was a bio major and it was one of the few really cool classes.”

“Yeah? Shit. What are you doing here, Professor Science?” Dave asked dryly.

“I took a year off and came home, then my dad wanted to get me out of the house instead of spending every day playing video games and marathoning Spielberg movies, so here I am. Why, what did you study that qualifies you for very serious mall work?”

Dave shifted in his seat and somehow John could tell he was looking away, even without seeing his eyes. “Little bit of everything,” he said finally. “Fun fact, though, I’m technically not allowed to cut hair. No license or whatever, but Kanaya deemed me worthy.”

John squinted, not missing the fact that Dave had basically done an elegant pirouette around the actual question. He was too good at that. Was this the second time Dave had escaped talking about school? He was pretty sure it was. He assumed Dave went to college but maybe he hadn’t or he’d dropped out or something. Oh dammit, maybe he was being insensitive? _Way to go, John, dregging up bad memories with all your dumb curiosity. That’ll help you make friends._

“What’s with the look?” Dave asked.

“Nothing, I just can’t believe I paid for an unlicensed haircut. It’s shocking, I ought to report you,” John teased.

Dave scoffed. “Shit, the enforcers from the haircutting league are gonna slice off my hands. Why would you do this to me, John, I thought we were friends,” he said melodramatically, holding a hand to his forehead in a mock-faint.

John rolled his eyes, but it was difficult to remain exasperated. Every time Dave did something annoying or weird or needlessly mysterious he immediately made up for it by being funny and engaging again. John kept ping-ponging between being annoyed and being enamored. Relationships were so confusing, but he was having a hard time focusing on anything besides his elation that Dave officially considered them friends. But instead of saying that and sounding like a total lovelorn sap, he replied, “Hmm, that’s true. And you are sharing these greasy mall fries with me, which probably counts for something.”

“Are you really criticizing my lunch choices when you’re the one with the tortilla burrito?” Dave asked skeptically, but John watched the ends of his mouth twitch until he snorted and started laughing again. John’s stomach did a weird flip as he leaned on the table observing the way Dave’s freckles moved over his skin and decided his new personal goal was to break Dave’s practiced stoicism as much as he could. “Jesus. Sorry, it just kills me every fucking time, I can’t get over it. I need to memorialize this shit.” With that, he pulled out his phone and leaned over the table to take a picture.

“Wait, hold on! Let me do jazz hands next to it.”

“Perfect. Hold it right there and...bam. Done. You’re officially a supermodel, John, congratulations,” Dave replied as he tucked the phone back in his hoodie pocket.

“Why are you taking pictures of your lunch?” interrupted a new voice, and John turned around to see two girls approaching them, one with bleached-blonde blue-tipped hair and the other with a kind of disconcertingly-toothy smile and very thick-lensed glasses. The resemblance between them was striking; they had to be related. Or else clones. Oh man that would be sweet, maybe John had accidentally fallen into a sci-fi epic. So cool.

“It’s Gamzee’s latest creation,” Dave replied. “Gotta document it for posterity.” He glanced back at John and gestured vaguely toward the two. “John, this is Vriska and Terezi. Both of you, this is the new guy. Don’t send him running for the hills with your bullshit. Although you might have your work cut out for you, he’s pretty tough considering he survived Makara cuisine.” John waved and smiled; he felt the blonde one’s eyes raking over him in an invasive fashion - wow, she looked so judgmental, what was the deal with that? - while the other one’s grin widened even more somehow.

“Ooh, is he the one you were asking me about?” the latter said, looking at Dave, who shot her a very pronounced glare that was apparent even behind his shades. John’s face heated up at that and he looked away. He wasn’t entirely sure if he liked being the subject of all the gossip. This place had to be pretty boring if he was the most exciting thing around.

“Yes, Terezi,” Dave said, voice calm despite the fact that John had seen his less-than-enthusiastic reaction. “He’s Jade’s cousin, actually. Who’d have thought.”

“That’s who you look like,” chimed in the blonde; had to be Vriska, then, if the glasses one was Terezi. “Bigger teeth, though.”

“Uh,” John said. There was really no way to reply to that.

“Vriska works at Hot Topic because she’s secretly fifteen years old,” Dave informed him, and John watched Vriska scowl at him. That managed to cheer him up; Dave was trading insults with someone for John’s benefit. It was kind of sweet, in a passive-aggressive way.

“This is true,” Terezi added with a snicker, and Vriska elbowed her in the ribs.

“Ugh, shut up! You can just shove your lurid preschool candy shop up your ass,” Vriska fumed.

“That’d take some effort,” Dave commented dryly. “Wouldn’t you need a permit to move private property like that?”

“And you can stick your shears up your dickhole, Strider,” Vriska went on, throwing him a particularly acidic glare that he didn’t seem to notice.

“Again, effort. Not feeling that right now. I’m real busy enjoying this upscale mall fare with my associate here,” Dave replied, nodding at John as he sipped on his soda. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“I won a bet,” Terezi announced cheerfully. “Vriska has to buy me lunch. How much money do you think I can waste here on gross food?”

“If you set your mind to it, TZ, you can do anything,” Dave replied sagely, grinning.

“What was the bet?” John asked.

“Don’t you fucking--” Vriska started, but Terezi was already beaming and quickly cut her off.

“To see who could fit more jellybeans in their mouth. I can fit, like, twice the amount she can. She’s weak and evolution is coming for her,” Terezi explained. Her bizarrely-wide grin was currently baring teeth stained in every color imaginable. John was actually impressed.

“Incredible,” Dave said. “So, wait, you just ate dozens of jellybeans and yet you still have room for a twelve-course fast food meal? Damn. John, I think we’ve been outclassed.”

“Definitely,” John agreed with a laugh.

“It was fucking stupid,” Vriska interjected sourly.

“You only think it’s stupid ‘cause you lost,” Terezi said. “If you’d won I would have had to crown you jellybean queen or something dumb like that and you wouldn’t stop talking about it for weeks.” Vriska rolled her eyes but didn’t seem to have any further comment, save for a misaimed kick at Terezi’s legs which she dodged expertly. “Wow, you’re also shitty at abusing blind girls. You’re so bad at everything it’s practically a talent,” Terezi taunted, her cutting words and immutable smile presenting a stark contrast. They had to be sisters, John decided. No way could two people who acted like this be friends and willingly spend time with each other. Also he supposed Terezi’s enormous weird glasses were to help her see? They magnified her eyes to a ridiculous degree and privately, John found the overall effect distinctly off-putting. Not that he would say so! But he was definitely going to avoid direct eye contact.

“So what’s the deal, did you pay for that shit? If I wanna stuff jellybeans in my mouth with reckless abandon I gotta pay for that shit,” Dave asked critically.

“I’m an employee, I can do what I want,” Terezi said smugly, crossing her arms.

“Bullshit!” Dave griped, turning back to John. “Dude, I’m telling you, it’s full-on martial law in that candy shop. I’ve been harassed so much.”

“Yeah, because you try and steal my shit!”

“It’s police brutality. I’m gonna sue for, like, a billion dollars. For all my emotional trauma and slightly-bruised fingers.”

“You make a mockery of the law, Strider. The entire courtroom will condescendingly fart at you in unison when you walk in.”

John snorted extremely loudly and choked on his drink. Wow, way to be as un-cool as possible. He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked between Dave and Terezi, wishing he could pull a big league Las Vegas-style magic trick and make himself disappear.

“It was funny,” he informed them defensively.

“I like him!” Terezi said brightly, breaking the brief tension and John found himself smiling again, more out of relief than anything.

“You like anyone who thinks you’re funny. God knows there’s precious few of them,” Dave replied. “John, jesus, you’re dribbling shit all over your face.”

“Am I? Goddammit,” John muttered, fumbling around for a napkin. “Thanks.”

“No prob. I got your back,” Dave said, throwing him a quick smile.

“Oh, Dave. I brought you a present,” Terezi interjected, digging around in one of her pockets.

“Well, damn, TZ, have you finally paid up for the dowry?” Dave asked. “My brother will be happy. He needs those twelve goats, they’re integral to his fortune.”

John glanced between them warily. Okay, okay, relax. Last time he was suspicious of a girl Dave was close to it turned out to be his cousin, after all. John didn’t have a good track record with guessing who was dating who. But he couldn’t help being a little jealous of how easily Dave and Terezi talked and joked around. Although, come on, really, a dowry? Dave wasn’t being serious, that was clearly a joke. Yeah. Totally.

Terezi placed exactly two jellybeans, one blue and one red, on the table with a flourish. “For you,” she said. “Well, both of you.”

John watched Dave furrow his brow; god, it was so hard to decode his reactions sometimes. Maybe he’d rolled his eyes or something? That seemed like a good bet. He would figure it out eventually. “So generous. How can I ever repay you,” Dave said with a shake of his head. He turned to John and said, “See, Terezi seems to think I’m a criminal--”

“He tries to steal candy from my shop all the time, even though I always give him _something_ \--” Terezi interrupted, only for Dave to loudly talk over her.

“-- _something_ being one fucking jellybean so calm down there, Mother Teresa; anyway, she likes to give me just one to remind me of my failures at sleight-of-hand,” Dave concluded, and shrugged. “Guess having fast fingers is more your forte, Egbert.”

“Is it really now? Got some personal experience there, Dave?” Terezi asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Dave kicked her. “Don’t be gross,” he reprimanded as John stared at the floor and waited for his face to stop flushing because his mind had gone to the exact same gutter and he really didn’t want that to become public knowledge. Geez. Everyone here was so weird. Dave went on, “John’s pro at card tricks. Next tier shit, y’know. I’m gonna smuggle him in and he’s gonna take everything you got and you’ll be none the wiser.”

“No more candy for you, then,” Terezi replied haughtily. “Enjoy the peace offering regardless.”

“Thanks,” John said, finally deciding it was safe to show his face again. Maybe she was alright? Dave got along with her; that had to be a good sign.

“Ugh, come on, I thought you wanted food,” Vriska interrupted, lolling her head back in apparent exasperation. “I’m gonna fall asleep if I have to listen to all of you being boring losers for one more second.”

“Anything for you, sis,” Terezi replied, throwing Vriska a grin so obnoxious it had to be intentional. Vriska groaned loudly and they finally walked off, Terezi waving cheerily as she went.

It was kind of uncanny how she’d just so happened to have jellybeans in her pocket that corresponded with his and Dave’s eyes? She’d given them the wrong ones, though; the blue one was on Dave’s side of the table. Oh well. He popped the red one in his mouth and was immediately rewarded with the searing taste of cinnamon. This was a mistake.

“John, you look like your brain just exploded in your head,” Dave commented, squinting at his expression.

“She gave me a cinnamon jellybean and it tastes so bad!” John whined, spitting into his napkin and struggling to get the taste out of his mouth.

“For real? Ugh, typical. I should have seen it coming. Hey, TZ! Not cool! He’s new, cut him some slack!” Dave called after her, but Terezi ignored him. “Christ. People here are--”

“Ridiculous,” John supplied.

“Utterly.”

“You’re not, though,” John assured him. Well, maybe he was a little bit. But hey, he was trying to flatter Dave here.

“I am so. I’ve just become self-aware and I can pretend I’m not,” Dave refuted. “Super dangerous right here. I got some serious HAL-9000 shenanigans going on.” He eyed the blue jellybean for a minute. “She probably poisoned it or something. What do you think? Is cyanide blue, or am I thinking of arsenic? Hit me up with the poison knowledge.”

“The blue flavors are usually okay? Reds are dangerous because the cinnamon ones look the same as the cherry ones so it’s riskier, but I don’t think there’s any really heinous blue flavors,” John said contemplatively.

“That’s a good point.” He hesitated and glanced up at John over the top of his shades. “Unless you want it, considering you pretty much got screwed out of the other one because it was a disgusting trick.”

John was forcibly reminded of just how nice those red eyes were. Oh wow he really liked Dave’s eyes. The afternoon sun streaming in through the windows lit them up even more and illuminated Dave’s long blond eyelashes and how does someone even get eyes in such an arresting shade of red? Like a traffic light or something. Hmm. It probably wasn’t flattering to tell somebody their eyes were like a traffic light, now that he thought about it. He wished he could think of some way to compliment Dave would making it apparent that he had a crush on him. That would make things horribly weird and he was having such a nice time today, even with the interruptions and Dave’s occasional evasiveness. This was fine, wasn’t it? Them just hanging out and talking and it definitely wasn’t a date or anything, no way. _Don’t make it weird_ , he told himself sternly.

“Earth to John. Hello, come in, Mission Control needs you,” Dave said, derailing John’s train of thought. It rocketed off the tracks and exploded somewhere in the distance. What a tragic accident.

“Wh…oh! Sorry. No, it’s fine, you can have it,” John replied, shaking himself out of his daze. Yeah, really tragic.

“You’re in space today, I’m telling you. Gotta keep radioing you in,” Dave said, talking even as he ate his sole jellybean. “You were right, by the way, that one was fine. Terezi was just pulling a lame prank or some shit. Anyway. You. Totally in orbit. End of story. Something on your mind?”

 _Just you_ , John wanted to reply, but he held his tongue and shrugged instead. “I’m still adjusting, I guess. And meeting a lot of new people. I’m not that good at making friends.”

“Nah, you’re plenty friendly. People will like you. And if they don’t they’re assholes,” Dave said shortly. “To be fair, though, everyone here tends to barrage everyone else with their bizarre personalities and bad life choices so it probably feels like falling ass-backwards into a hurricane of horseshit.”

“Yeah, that’s…pretty accurate, actually,” John chuckled.

“Like, oh fuck, call the weatherman, Hurricane SkaiaMall is at full category five. It’s ripping houses from their foundations. There’s frogs and shit falling from the sky and we have reports of some dork with glasses getting vacuumed up into it. Total disaster. The president will let a single tear roll down his cheek at a news conference and frown all official-like to indicate how much the whole country’s collective heart is breaking.” Dave paused to eat another french fry and concluded, “See, the real interesting part is the fact that the country has a collective heart to be broken. God bless America.”

“Wow,” John said after a minute. “That made absolutely no fucking sense.”

Dave shrugged. “Yeah, it happens. Me and my tangents.”

“I think it has more to do with you liking to hear the sound of your own voice,” John replied mockingly.

“Well, it’s a fine voice and I’ll make it heard as frequently as is possible,” Dave asserted. “You should feel lucky to hear me babble.” He rubbed at his neck, shifting the ends of his hair, and John could have sworn the skin beneath had flushed a distinct shade of pink. Like he was blushing. That was such a cute thought oh holy shit.

“Got a little autumn sunburn there?” John asked with a laugh.

“We still playing twenty questions? Damn, you don’t quit,” Dave responded, his hand settling firmly over his neck.

“You didn’t answer.”

“It’s irrelevant. Super lame question. Not worth wasting my breath to respond.”

“But you’re wasting your breath making excuses!” Dave tossed a french fry at him and John snorted as he smacked it away. “Dave, check your phone. Fifth grade is calling, they want their lame distractions back.”

“Oh, damn, they’re calling you, too, because they want their shitty jokes back.”

“I will totally throw this burrito at you, don’t test me.”

“You know that’s pretty much a threat of biological warfare, right? I’d die on impact. Do you really want that?” Dave asked. “Please remember that without me you’d be stuck hanging with Rose and Jade, and Jade has access to every gun ever manufactured and Rose brings Cthulhu along to the movies. So you’d probably die too. Plus I’d haunt your ass forever and do all sorts of mischief, like opening and closing doors and moving all your furniture to the left by exactly four inches.”

“Very spooky.”

“Yeah, the spookiest.”

“Question on phrasing, though; when you say you’ll haunt my ass do you mean _specifically_ haunting that area, or would your ghost have a wider haunting radius and you’re just being hyperbolic?” John asked, grinning. This was maybe kind of flirting, he supposed? He had managed to steer the conversation to a mildly suggestive zone, talking about butts and all. Maybe. It was pretty weak. But he could have sworn he saw Dave’s fingers twitch on his neck and the slightest furrow cross his brow. If nothing else he seemed surprised by the question. Which made sense because it was a pretty dumb question.

Finally he raised an eyebrow and answered, “What do you want ghosts hanging around your butt for, Egbert?”

Well, that backfired quickly. “I don’t!” John insisted immediately.

Dave continued to contemplate, much to John’s chagrin. “Would only _my_ ghost be permitted in the booty zone while the others are barred? Which, of course, leads to the question of what my ghost is doing there in the first place. Like, does it have clearance? Do I gotta get a badge and shit?”

 _“Booty zone?!”_ John sputtered.

“Yeah, totally. Like a demilitarized zone. Except with one hundred percent more plush rump,” Dave explained with a shrug, as if discussing this was no big deal. Wait, did that mean he thought John had a nice ass? Plush rump sounded vaguely complimentary but also kind of gross. How was a person supposed to tell if they had a nice ass in the first place? Just as a reference! Like knowing if you have a cute smile or pretty eyes. There was nothing wrong with knowing. Who could he even ask? Shit, now he was distracted again. Dave was too good at making his brain go off the rails.

“You know what? I take it back, you really are as weird as everyone else,” John said, rolling his eyes.

“I warned you,” Dave said, his voice almost singsong as he cracked a mean grin. “I see the problem. You tried to outdo me on weird asides and awkward questions, but I’m simply the best there is. Give me some props there, it’s all I got going for me.”

“No way, you have lots going for you.” The words tumbled out of John’s mouth without a second thought and he saw Dave’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. John hastily added, “I mean, I know I only met you a couple days ago, but you’ve been really nice to me and you’re funny and it’s great hanging out with you. So…yeah. You’re only _mostly_ weird asides and awkward questions.”

Dave was quiet for a minute, and John could have sworn he saw the smallest, shyest smile flicker across Dave’s face, but he decided he was just seeing things when Dave replied snidely, “See, I dunno what you’re trying to extort from me or whatever, but flattery is definitely a good way to start.”

“Shut up,” John laughed, rolling his eyes. His gaze fell on his watch and gave a start. “Oh shit. Dave, look, we’re late to our jobs.” He hadn’t even noticed the passage of time; in fact, it barely felt like five minutes had gone by, even though he knew he and Dave had been chatting for far longer.

“Seriously?” Dave asked, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Motherfucker. So we are. Man, Kanaya’s gonna drink my blood for this, she’s a big stickler for rules and times and all that garbage. Also she’s totally a vampire, you heard it here first.”

“Quick, eat some garlic,” John suggested as they stood up and started clearing their table “You really think they’ve got vegetables and shit around here?” Dave asked, then paused before continuing, “Garlic’s a vegetable, right? Back me up on this.”

“I think so? What else would it be?” John said thoughtfully as he tipped the sad blasphemous burrito into the garbage.

“Dude, you didn’t even let me do a 21-gun salute for your lunch,” Dave said, his indignation entirely melodramatic. “It deserves a Viking funeral. Or at least some doves. Don’t you sell doves at your magic shop?”

“No, we’re fresh out,” John replied seriously. “No doves til we restock at the end of the month.”

“Really?”

“Pfft. No, Dave, we don’t sell doves. Jade doesn’t even sell doves.”

“Come on, you’ve gotta know a guy. Hook me up with some dove action. Gotta remember the fallen here.”

“You mean my taste buds? They’re the only ones that suffered today.”

“Release the doves right into your mouth. Never forget.”

John laughed as they strolled along back to the hair salon. “Dave, that’s gross.”

“You’re gross.”

“Doves have like…bird flu or whatever. Do you want me to get bird flu and die?”

“Will you grow beautiful plumage if you get bird flu? Before you die, I mean. Honestly, I’m invested in this friendship solely for the possibility of stroking some sweet-ass plumage.”

“You are such a weirdo, oh my god,” John said with a snort. “No stroking allowed. It’s a personal space thing.” Wow, that was a blatant lie, he told himself as his mind rocketed into the gutter again. Suffice to say he really didn’t have a problem with Dave touching him however he’d please.

“Aw, you’re breaking my heart here, Egbert,” Dave answered, doing an overblown hyperbole of a pout and triggering a strange fluttering in John’s gut when he bumped his shoulder against John’s own. Now he was really thinking about Dave touching him. God. No. This was not okay. His mind was being ridiculously salacious at the moment, but fortunately they’d reached the hair salon so John was out of time to act on absurd, totally impossible, and also really hot daydreams. Dave sighed heavily. “Well, if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, I’m in a shallow grave and Kanaya’s responsible. Make sure you inform the authorities and tell my brother he’s a goddamn prick,” he joked. “See you around, John.”

“Yeah, see you,” John echoed. “Like, actually though. I expect to see you around.”

Dave grinned wide at him for a split second and assured him, “Oh, you will. No one’s managed to get rid of me yet.”

“I don’t see why anyone would want to,” John blurted out with a nervous chuckle, and oh my god he could see it this time, Dave was actually blushing and it was one of the cutest things John had ever seen.

“Dave, you’re exactly seventeen minutes late to your shift,” Kanaya interrupted, standing at the front desk with a phone to her ear and a highly disapproving expression on her face.

“Yeah, I know, my bad,” Dave answered resignedly. He turned back to John with a grim frown. “See? Told ya.”

“I’ll quit distracting you then,” John said, waving before turning heel. His mind was buzzing and he was almost at a loss. Okay, so Dave liked spending time with him. Dave blushed when John said nice things to him. Dave clearly enjoyed having him around.

So…now what?

He twisted his lips as he made his way back to Prankster’s Gambit at the far end of the mall, left alone with his thoughts. He didn’t know how to ask somebody out. Especially not somebody who he barely knew! True, they got along really well, but Dave’s all-too-frequent caginess was bothersome, because the more John got to know him, the more frustrated he became with the road blocks Dave kept putting up.

He’d have to take this slowly, he decided. Maybe Dave had trust issues or something? Maybe prying too much was off-putting to him. Yeah, that had to be it. He just had to cool it and let Dave get used to him. John sighed. That sounded unbearable, though. He kind of wished he had the guts to just kiss Dave and see what happened…but no, he couldn’t risk pushing the boundaries like that.

He’d figure something out. Probably.

“How was your date, Egbert?” called a voice from across the hall, and John practically jumped out of his skin. He spun around quickly to see Karkat leaning against the doorframe of the GameStop with the most shit-eating grin in the history of the world on his face.

“My what?” he asked, a bit too loudly.

“What are you, fucking deaf in addition to being blind and dentally challenged? Your date,” Karkat enunciated snidely. “With Strider. Don’t play coy with me.”

How the hell did Karkat know about--?! It wasn’t even a date! “Who, Dave? Haha, no way,” John said with a lame laugh. “It wasn’t…we’re not…”

“Who’s on a date?” called another voice, and John tensed up again. Oh Jesus no why was this happening. There was some guy with a purple streak in his hair approaching the scene and now everyone was noisily discussing his _totally-not-a-date_ with Dave in the middle of the mall, which really wasn’t anybody’s business at all in the first place, and John wanted to die.

“Did anyone request your presence, Eridan?” Karkat asked, his grin collapsing into a disgusted grimace. “Does anyone _ever_ request your presence? Go fold some t-shirts or something.”

“I can’t help but overhear when you’re yelling across the mall!” Eridan retorted, crossing his arms. He eyed John with a frown and come to think of it this was at least the third time some random stranger had been absurdly intrusive just staring at him like a weirdo, what the hell. He felt like some zoo animal being studied by douchebags all day long.

“John, have you met Eridan?” Karkat asked.

“Uh. No. Hi,” John said awkwardly.

“I hate to be the one to force your meeting, but alas, here we are. Anyway. Back to the original topic,” Karkat said. “Been busy making kissy faces at Dave? Honestly, I’m not sure how you can look at him without vomiting but hey, I guess everybody’s got a type. So spill.”

“Can we not, though?” John asked crossly. “It’s not any of your business and it wasn’t even a date so I really don’t--”

“Wait, who are you?” Eridan interjected, eyes still locked onto John, whose attempt to intimidate him by glaring back was failing horribly.

“Oh my shitting christ,” Karkat said with an exasperated groan. “Eridan, this is John. He works here now. He’s Jade’s cousin. John, this is Eridan. He personally caused the hole in the ozone layer with his excessive use of hairspray. The end. Now, can we just--”

“This is your girlfriend’s cousin?” Eridan asked. “Huh. I didn’t know Jade had a cousin.”

“Jade’s your girlfriend?” John exclaimed quizzically, turning to stare at Karkat with his mouth agape.

It looked like Karkat had just popped a vein in his head. “What the fuck, Eridan! How do you even know about that?!” he burst out.

“Please, Kar, don’t be fuckin’ stupid. Everyone knows that,” Eridan said dismissively.

“I didn’t!” John interjected, relieved for the distraction but still bowled over by the news.

“Shut the fuck up, John!” Karkat shouted. “No, Eridan, everyone does _not_ know that, it only happened today, so what the dicking shit--!”

“You’ve been pining after her for ages, it’s obvious. I was only teasing.” Eridan paused and then gave a start. “Wait, what do you mean, it only happened today? Oh my god! Kar! You finally asked Jade out! I was so sure you were going to die alone,” he continued delightedly.

Karkat’s face was getting redder the longer the conversation went on. “What…did you just…did you just make me blab my _own fucking secrets_?” he sputtered. “You are such fucking _garbage_ , god, I hate you and your stupid goddamn hair--”

“Wait, so did you only start dating Jade now, or have you been dating Jade for awhile? I’m confused,” John asked, looking between Eridan and Karkat and trying to keep his head from spinning. This game of verbal tennis was going to give him whiplash.

There was a whirring sound fast approaching and the mall security guard rolled up on his segway with a tiny girl on his back. Oh, wait, that was the girl who worked for Jade. Nepeta? John was pretty sure her name was Nepeta. He’d only seen her once or twice. “Karkat’s dating Jade? Equius, Karkat’s dating Jade!” Nepeta squealed, poking at Equius’s shoulder excitedly as she spoke.

“Karkat, can you confirm this?” Equius asked, his tone deadly serious.

“I fucking hate every single one of you miserable fucks. Go to hell. Shit on yourselves and go to hell, all of you. I’m done. No comment. Go away.”

“He’s definitely dating Jade,” Eridan said, his words directed at Equius and Nepeta as if Karkat couldn’t hear.

“Karkat and Jade are getting married!!” Nepeta shrieked excitedly.

John stood in the midst of it all, muffling his laughter, but his amusement was brutally murdered when Karkat rounded on him again. “Yeah, well, John’s dating Dave!” he said, obviously trying to change the subject. The spectators rounded back on him and John felt his face go red.

“What?! No I’m not!” John retorted loudly. This mall was a war zone, it was official. Rumors about him and Dave probably wouldn’t help with that whole back-off-and-let-Dave-get-used-to-him plan! Or even worse, it might make Dave even more skittish and that was something John simply couldn’t allow.

“Really?” Eridan asked.

“No! Definitely not,” John asserted, even as his stomach twisted a little bit because he didn’t want people to think he _wasn’t_ interested in Dave or anything. Even though his plan kind of was to pretend he wasn’t interested. Ugh. Whatever.

“Yeah, Kar, I dunno about that. No one could ever date Dave, he’s insufferable,” Eridan said dismissively.

“No he’s not!” John objected without thinking.

“Ha! See! You’re defending him. You’re into him, I know it,” Karkat accused.

“I mean…we’re friends, yeah, but that’s all,” John retorted. _Shit shit shit._

“Were you not at lunch with him today?” Karkat asked. This felt like some mass interrogation or something. It was ludicrous. Didn’t these people have jobs?

“Yeah, friends can have lunch,” John shot back. “Maybe you should try having friends or something.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever you say. I know what’s really--”

“Ugh, go make out with Jade or something,” John interrupted, and Karkat threw him a scowl livid enough to scorch the earth and it was hilarious. John seized the moment to make a break for it as the others laughed and resumed teasing Karkat.

As John passed by Jade’s pet shop, he skidded to a halt and called inside, “Hey, Jade! I just heard about you and Karkat, congrats!”

Jade’s head snapped up immediately. “You heard what about _what_?” she asked, eyes wide as she balanced bags of dog food in her arms.

“Are you and Karkat going out now?”

“Well, yeah, but how did…?” Jade shook her head. “I should have expected that everyone would know in an hour. Who told you?”

“Karkat.”

“He did?! What the fuck!” Jade exclaimed. She dropped the dog food and stormed off down the hall. “Karkat, why are you--oh my _god_ , why is half the mall here?”

John made it back to the safety of Prankster’s Gambit, where it was always dead silent except for the gentle bubbling of the fountain outside. Yeah, that was something he definitely wanted to avoid with the whole Dave situation. Jeez. What was everybody’s deal here?

Despite a staunch determination to avoid drama, John couldn’t help the fact that he still wanted to kiss Dave pretty badly. This playing it safe thing wasn’t going to be fun.

He sighed heavily and slouched over the register. Life was hard. No one understood. No one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well i've gone back to school and, predictably, writing time is scarce so idk how long it'll be til i get to the next chapter. especially considering writer's block has been fucking murdering me in relation to this fic lately. sighs.  
> i like this chapter though. fun fact, i said that no other chapter was gonna be as long as ch2 but this one basically is. hooray! i think?


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